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29 June 2017

Fooled Around and Fell in Love

i haven't written in a while but i just heard a tune that reminded me of a story. so i am here to share with you guys. this is a tale of how i fooled around and fell in love.

when i encountered #oldbay i was still living with my ex. my ex and i had been sleeping in separate rooms and had not been intimate in quite some time. i stumbled across #oldbay on Twitter. i feel like his picture popped up on my timeline, but he followed me one day and i followed back. after a few weeks of banter, the DM's started coming in quite frequently. then the number exchange, then we started talking on the phone. now when we started talking on the phone it was different than other times i had communicated with guys. we would literally be on the phone for six or more hours ... A DAY. yes you read that correctly, every day we spoke that long and that often. i should have slowed myself down and listened to my friends about the situation.

friends: so what are you doing?
me: i'm chilling.
friends: you are?
me: yeah, we just having conversations.
friends: but you don't see yourself.
me: what you mean?
friends: the big ass smiles and all the damn giggling.
me: he is just funny.

i sounded like a damn idiot. but i keep it up and days turned to weeks which became months of non stop "talking". i had convinced myself that was all innocent until that fateful evening when he dropped a bomb on me.

him: you know that is why i love you because blah blah blah blah
*my ears stopped working after "i love you" thus the blah blah blah
me: wait, what did you just say?
him: THE REASON I LOVE YOU IS BECAUSE blah blah blah
he gave me a laundry list of reasons why he loved me. and i didn't know how to respond because this was not on my agenda. even though i already knew that i loved him, i just kept it to myself.
me: i love you too.

i hung up the phone and sat in my car for thirty minutes trying to process. i done fooled around and fell in love. SHIT! i had to call my homie.

me: girl, he said he loved me.
homie: BITCH WHAT?
homie: what you gone do?
me: hell if I know.

i took the advice of the O'Jay's and jumped aboard the Love Train. and it was a beautiful thing. i was my most creative and innovative during those times. i reminisce and have so many positive memories of #oldbay and i. but then the ugly thoughts creep in and i have to refocus on the new single (again) me and my next moves. i did ride that Love Train for about two years before it went off the rails and landed in a river of drama. maybe one day i will tell the story of how i blocked #oldbay from existence.

07 May 2016

American Tourister or Samsonite: What luggage do you own?

i am in need of new luggage to travel this year, but i first need to get rid of all this emotional baggage that i have collected. i heard "Bag Lady" by Badu the other day and thought back to the days that i had no bags to carry.

i took a break from men and relations in my early twenties. i armed myself with "In the Meantime" by Iyanla " Not on My Watch" Vanzant and "No More Sheets" by Prophetess Juanita Bynum. so when Bag Lady dropped in 2000, i was bagless. i was a single woman in ATL looking for someone to build an empire with. needless to say the joke was on me because no single man in Atlanta was looking for just one woman. the relationship goal was harem status for most dudes. and since i am a germaphobe and wanted to remain disease free, i stayed to myself. well until i got with a midwest slick talker who relocated to the South. not surprisingly, he was with the shit too.

i wasn't interested in his game playing, so i ran from that. even threatened his life to guarantee he would stay away from my brand of crazy. shortly after dealing with him, i met a really sweet Cali dude and he became my boyfriend. we had our ups and downs, but after eight years the elevator hit the basement floor and i got off. now i went into that relationship with a bathroom trash bag of issues. now it seems that i have three suitcases, a duffel bag, a messenger bag, two gym bags and a few shoe boxes full of emotional baggage. i have become the bag lady that Erykah sung about 16 yrs ago.

*le sigh*
how did i get here you ask? taking care of others instead of taking care of myself, so now i am being forced to do just that. i am feeling like i am having an emotional breakdown, but not in a bad way. you know they say you have to break muscles down to build them up, that is what i plan on doing with my emotions. hopefully i can drop off some of these bags along the way. i have been talking a lot about self care and healing, but i have been so afraid of losing people or things. but maybe they should be lost and stay that way.

i need y'all to pray for me.
i need y'all to send me positive energy
i need y'all to motivate me when i can't motivate myself.
i am on a journey to greatness and this is just one of the bumps.

17 April 2016

It's all fun and games

"I was just playing"

i want you guys to stop saying this shit. because most times you are NOT playing. you made a statement and did not get the response that you wanted. or you did not get the response you expected. so as a way to hide your disappointment or upset, you make the statement...
"I was just playing."
oh okay.
that will always be my response when that is said to me.

i am confused as to why people shrink or recoil from the conversation and chose this statement to replace their real feelings. unless you want to piss people off, then by all means move forward with your fuckery.

recently i have noticed that lots of my conversations have stopped short when someone is about to say something that might sound like a feeling or an emotional statement. i know people have to be comfortable with you to be vulnerable and reveal their true self. so maybe the people that i am sharing with really cannot reciprocate in that manner. is that going to make me stop sharing? no, but i may no longer share with those people who do not communicate well.

and no i am not the best communicator, but i am trying to be better. that is why i am trusting my feelings with people that i want to learn and grow with, so maybe this is more about finding people who are on my level emotionally and not the emotionally retarded. because that is a real thing. i am glad i wrote this because i have been able to process what i am currently going through.

i say all of this to say, do better. and stop "playing" with people. say that shit with your chest moving forward.

19 March 2016

I'm just Bitter

I just can't take this anymore 
You broke my heart and now I know for sure 
You're not the man I thought you was 
Compromised myself enough 
Now it's time to stop living this lie now

i realized the other day on Twitter that i am officially bitter.
i can't believe i just typed that.
i have tried my best not to be that chick, but after fighting the good fight i lost.

i remember the days that i hung out with my girlfriends from work and they would talk about how men ain't shit every Friday night. at some point, i put my foot down and stood up for the men. i told my girlfriends how they hurt my feelings talking about men like that, and how all men weren't that way. and that they need to stop with all their bitterness. i left that night and never went out with them again. mind you, i was still in my late twenties and these women had kids, had been married and divorced and one lady even had contracted Herpes from her long time boyfriend.
i hadn't really lived ... i suppose.

now i am on the other side of 40 recovering from a long term dead end relationship. been in a few sitautionships and continuously run into emotionally retarded men. and a bitch is tired. sick and tired. i can no longer give of myself without my needs being met.
so why am i bitter?
because i feel like i never got what i wanted.
the men got what they wanted from me and when i was used up, they found some other woman to suck the life out of. i was no good to them, didn't really serve any purpose. i learned the hard way when #oldbae said the most ridiculous shit to me.
him: i told her (his girlfriend) why wouldn't you want me to friends with someone who could possibly make US lots of money.
at least he admitted that he was using me in some way. funny thing is that he didn't even understand that something was wrong with that statement.

needless to say, i'm done for the time being. now all that can change if Gawd sends that tall dude with the beard I been eyeing at the gym my way. LMAO!!! just kidding ... a lil bit.
i'm about to listen to Chante' sing it one more time for me.

21 February 2016

Writing a Eulogy

i have never written a eulogy for any of the people i have loved. but i have had a few funerals for some fuck boys in my life. and it is looking like i am about to have another one.

if you are new to my world (i.e. my blog), here is something that you need to know: i murder the men i date when things end. no, i am not a black widow or some crazy serial killer. i only kill them in my mind. and upon their death, they are given a funeral. i bury them away some where. it is as if they never existed in my life.

yes that is hella extreme, but i don't critique your coping strategies. so i have said all of that to say, i am writing another eulogy. this one was a long time coming, but there is only so much self inflicted pain a bih can take. remember i said that. i did this too myself. i was very well aware that this person would never get any act right when it came to me. not that he couldn't but there was no want to improve on my behalf. and that is cool. i am not everybody's cup of tea, but that doesn't mean you can mistreat me because i am high caffeine green ginger and you prefer orange herbal spice. and that is why this funeral must take place.

*plays "It's so hard to say Goodbye" the Boyz II Men version*
*cuts off after 10 seconds*
*sings Niggas gon' always be niggas, Can't afford to give my heart to these niggas*

i have been proclaiming that the shop was closed and i was focusing on myself, but i have really been entertaining these fools that should die slow. again, i don't blame the men, this is my fault. it's like when a guy finally realizes that he has only been fooling with so called "basic bitches", he wants to do better. i really want to do better, i need to do better. hopefully killing these niggas well help me get where i need to be quicker.

my God... i need a therapist.