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25 September 2017

I want my two dollars!!

i am still waiting on my $150. i was promised $500 because it took so long to pay me back. i didn't ask for five hundred, i just wanted my measly one hundred and fifty dollars.

i am not rich. i make enough money to pay my bills, have dinner with my friends and get a mani/pedi every two weeks. and honestly i did not miss my money. i gave it to someone i loved that was in need. if it was returned great, if not i would be okay. and i have been fine the past two years, but there was a burning flint in my spirit that made me come back to the borrowed funds that were not returned. and even though i am the queen of petty, the borrower was the one who tossed gasoline and a whole ass lighter on my spark.

the person in question felt like i was the only one he could talk to regarding his relationship issues, despite him discarding me to be with other chicks (whole 'nother blog). as a glutton for extra punishment, i listened to the gripes. on two separate occasions, one of his complaints was how he  gave these women large sums of money and they didn't appreciate it. now i am writing this blog about a small amount of money, but he was talking thousands he had given away. i said nothing about it ... at first. my sister told me to forget about, i would never see my money again. i had settled on that fact to be true, but this new information set me aflame. so i chose to address the situation and explained how i was confused that i had not received what i was due. the response was a lot of yelling and screaming and eventually an "i forgot". okay ... but again it is more than two years later, you still don't remember?

this blog was written to get the monkey of my back. since we parted ways, he is too shamed to read anything i write because it is mostly about him. so this was for me. do i think i will ever see my money? naw i doubt it. my friends says it is the last connection he has to continue to talk to me. he doesn't need to talk to me, just hit me on the Cash App. i will keep hoping on that notification.

06 September 2017

Yeah I blocked him ...

so Issa found out Lawrence blocked her on Facebook. and i laughed hysterically. 
yes i have been blocked before and the reason for it was pretty stupid (yes, stupid), but that was his social media account not mine. but i had blocked him waaaaaaaay before he blocked me. i know myself and blocking him was very necessary. so maybe Lawrence had a reason for blocking Issa. maybe it helped him deal with the break up, deal with the idea that she had started something new with Daniel. i could relate totally.

after he held me hostage in his truck and told me that we could no longer mess around and that he wanted us to be friends, i didn't block him. after he picked me up from the airport and told me his girl didn't know because they argue about me all the time, i didn't block him. after he broke up with the first chick and started fooling with another chick almost immediately, i didn't block him. the day that i sent him a DM on Twitter and he was dismissive toward me was the day i blocked him. and it had nothing to do with his actions. 

i realized at that moment, i was a glutton for punishment. he was never going to tell me to go away and was going to accept all of my advances, whether they were serious or just in jest. and i didn't know how to quit him cold turkey, so i HAD to block him. and as soon as i did that, i got a friend request on Facebook. we had NEVER been friends on Facebook. i declined his offer of friendship. i no longer needed access to his life or his thoughts or emotions. i had to become my mother in this situation.

as a child when i wanted things, my mother would hit me with a phrase i didn't understand until i was an adult.

"You are not too old for your wants not to hurt you" 

suddenly her statement made all types of sense. i wanted something that was NEVER going to happen and that shit hurt like crazy. and for me to move forward, i had to obliterate his existence from my life. he had to be unrecognizable to me, i needed to know nothing about him, make him a stranger in my world again. so blocking him from everything was the right thing to do. what works for me might not work for you. but the block button is my new best friend.

29 June 2017

Fooled Around and Fell in Love

i haven't written in a while but i just heard a tune that reminded me of a story. so i am here to share with you guys. this is a tale of how i fooled around and fell in love.

when i encountered #oldbay i was still living with my ex. my ex and i had been sleeping in separate rooms and had not been intimate in quite some time. i stumbled across #oldbay on Twitter. i feel like his picture popped up on my timeline, but he followed me one day and i followed back. after a few weeks of banter, the DM's started coming in quite frequently. then the number exchange, then we started talking on the phone. now when we started talking on the phone it was different than other times i had communicated with guys. we would literally be on the phone for six or more hours ... A DAY. yes you read that correctly, every day we spoke that long and that often. i should have slowed myself down and listened to my friends about the situation.

friends: so what are you doing?
me: i'm chilling.
friends: you are?
me: yeah, we just having conversations.
friends: but you don't see yourself.
me: what you mean?
friends: the big ass smiles and all the damn giggling.
me: he is just funny.

i sounded like a damn idiot. but i keep it up and days turned to weeks which became months of non stop "talking". i had convinced myself that was all innocent until that fateful evening when he dropped a bomb on me.

him: you know that is why i love you because blah blah blah blah
*my ears stopped working after "i love you" thus the blah blah blah
me: wait, what did you just say?
him: THE REASON I LOVE YOU IS BECAUSE blah blah blah
he gave me a laundry list of reasons why he loved me. and i didn't know how to respond because this was not on my agenda. even though i already knew that i loved him, i just kept it to myself.
me: i love you too.

i hung up the phone and sat in my car for thirty minutes trying to process. i done fooled around and fell in love. SHIT! i had to call my homie.

me: girl, he said he loved me.
homie: BITCH WHAT?
homie: what you gone do?
me: hell if I know.

i took the advice of the O'Jay's and jumped aboard the Love Train. and it was a beautiful thing. i was my most creative and innovative during those times. i reminisce and have so many positive memories of #oldbay and i. but then the ugly thoughts creep in and i have to refocus on the new single (again) me and my next moves. i did ride that Love Train for about two years before it went off the rails and landed in a river of drama. maybe one day i will tell the story of how i blocked #oldbay from existence.

07 May 2016

American Tourister or Samsonite: What luggage do you own?

i am in need of new luggage to travel this year, but i first need to get rid of all this emotional baggage that i have collected. i heard "Bag Lady" by Badu the other day and thought back to the days that i had no bags to carry.

i took a break from men and relations in my early twenties. i armed myself with "In the Meantime" by Iyanla " Not on My Watch" Vanzant and "No More Sheets" by Prophetess Juanita Bynum. so when Bag Lady dropped in 2000, i was bagless. i was a single woman in ATL looking for someone to build an empire with. needless to say the joke was on me because no single man in Atlanta was looking for just one woman. the relationship goal was harem status for most dudes. and since i am a germaphobe and wanted to remain disease free, i stayed to myself. well until i got with a midwest slick talker who relocated to the South. not surprisingly, he was with the shit too.

i wasn't interested in his game playing, so i ran from that. even threatened his life to guarantee he would stay away from my brand of crazy. shortly after dealing with him, i met a really sweet Cali dude and he became my boyfriend. we had our ups and downs, but after eight years the elevator hit the basement floor and i got off. now i went into that relationship with a bathroom trash bag of issues. now it seems that i have three suitcases, a duffel bag, a messenger bag, two gym bags and a few shoe boxes full of emotional baggage. i have become the bag lady that Erykah sung about 16 yrs ago.

*le sigh*
how did i get here you ask? taking care of others instead of taking care of myself, so now i am being forced to do just that. i am feeling like i am having an emotional breakdown, but not in a bad way. you know they say you have to break muscles down to build them up, that is what i plan on doing with my emotions. hopefully i can drop off some of these bags along the way. i have been talking a lot about self care and healing, but i have been so afraid of losing people or things. but maybe they should be lost and stay that way.

i need y'all to pray for me.
i need y'all to send me positive energy
i need y'all to motivate me when i can't motivate myself.
i am on a journey to greatness and this is just one of the bumps.

17 April 2016

It's all fun and games

"I was just playing"

i want you guys to stop saying this shit. because most times you are NOT playing. you made a statement and did not get the response that you wanted. or you did not get the response you expected. so as a way to hide your disappointment or upset, you make the statement...
"I was just playing."
oh okay.
that will always be my response when that is said to me.

i am confused as to why people shrink or recoil from the conversation and chose this statement to replace their real feelings. unless you want to piss people off, then by all means move forward with your fuckery.

recently i have noticed that lots of my conversations have stopped short when someone is about to say something that might sound like a feeling or an emotional statement. i know people have to be comfortable with you to be vulnerable and reveal their true self. so maybe the people that i am sharing with really cannot reciprocate in that manner. is that going to make me stop sharing? no, but i may no longer share with those people who do not communicate well.

and no i am not the best communicator, but i am trying to be better. that is why i am trusting my feelings with people that i want to learn and grow with, so maybe this is more about finding people who are on my level emotionally and not the emotionally retarded. because that is a real thing. i am glad i wrote this because i have been able to process what i am currently going through.

i say all of this to say, do better. and stop "playing" with people. say that shit with your chest moving forward.