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29 June 2015

Taking my own advice ...

i realized a few weeks back that i have been maintaining this blog for a very long time. and some stuff has changed and transpired in the past year that has affected my writing frequency.

i spoke about relaunching my blog last year and had a good run, but outside factors set me back the way of not writing. and i felt for so long that i shared a lot on my blog, but in reality i was really not sharing anything current in my life.

this blog is full of old stories and antidotes that i learned in life from friends and family. or my own tragic tales of "love". but recently i learned that i have been holding back more than i thought i was. so today is the second time in my life that i am going to open up about my personal life. *takes a deep breath*

i recently ended a very toxic long term relationship. for a considerable amount of time in that relationship i was unhappy, but i was not capable of leaving it. not because i was being held against my will, but i was truly unsure of how to leave someone who was totally dependent on you. even though he would deny it (because i don't truly thinks he knows it), my other half was emotionally abusive. i truly believed that what he was showing me was love, but i believe we were both afraid and had no clue about what we were doing in a relationship. but this is not about placing blame because i was not a hostage.

once i reached my emotional breaking point, the relationship was over. it took a long time for me to go, but now i gotta fix what is wrong with me. yes there is something wrong with me. people, who know me very well, watched me turn into someone they did not recognize. so i gotta find the old me and that will require me peeling off layers of my old relationship. and that will take some time, time with me by myself.

as much as i say other people are not comfortable alone, i found myself in that same situation. i realized that i was afraid of what i had become. afraid to look at myself in the mirror ... literally. but i have friends who care about me despite me being a shitty friend. and with the support from family and friends and God always having my back, i am gonna be alright. i hear Kendrick Lamar in my head when i typed that out. but again this is an update/notice that i am alive and striving to become a better person for me, myself and i.