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27 July 2014

Sex: Some of y'all are doing it wrong

i have been threatening to write a blog about sex, but didn't really want to dedicate the time to it.
but lately as i have perused Twitter, i have seen some very disturbing sexual theories being tossed around. and the responses to said theories have led me to believe that people adhere to these notions and follow them to the letter. since i am an old girl who has been around the block a few times, i wanted to address some of the foolishness that has come through my timeline on the interwebs.

1. men shouldn't make noise during sex - i saw a tweet come scrolling down my timeline but i could not discern if this was snark or if the guy was serious. silent sex is not a good thing and even though i've had it in my youth (had roommates, trying to be respectful), men should know better. how do you let your partner know that you are enjoying the sex if you are silent? *i'll wait*

2. prostitute sex - okay this is a phrase of my own making and it came about from watching too much Hookers on The Point on HBO. one of the primary rules of prostitutes is no kissing the client. so when i hear people on the interwebs talk about having sex with someone and not kissing them, i mentally make them prostitutes.

3. blind f*cking - most of the time, people have "sex moves" that they learned along their journey. but what they forget is that everybody is not the same and you can't use Daquan's favorite move on LaTroy. same with Sharanika and Jawakamatima. people like different things and people's bodies are different, so blanket sex styles don't work with everybody. if you use these blanket type moves, you ma'am and or sir are blind f*cking.

4. freaks with really low body counts - unfortunately this doesn't exist, get over yourself dudes. you want her to pop that coochie in a handstand and do a split on that d*ck, but she can only have two sexual partners. please say that out loud to yourself so you can hear your own stupidity. thanks!

5. women are not as sexual as men - i am not sure the women that you have been around, but keep believing that lie if you want. men sometimes don't want their women to be sexually aggressive, but in turn they can't complain about a woman not initiating sex. fellas, we want sex just as much if not more than you. put that in your mental Rolodex.

*there were several other topics i could have addressed, but i didn't want to be a dead horse beater*

so the next time you see some foolish sexual banter in your timeline, let me know. i would love to do a continuation of the list. remember i am here to educate the children.

19 July 2014

Actions speak louder than words?

"actions speak louder than words"
"i can show you better than i can tell you"
"show me don't tell me"
"i don't trust words, i trust actions"

i hear this so often, but i don't really believe that it's true. no, let me take that back. i'm kind of a jerk and i only follow your words. yes, your actions may reveal the truth, but i don't ever want to get the message confused. let me give you an example.

i liked this dude very much and after dating for a few weeks, we had sex. the sex was NOT good, but i thought the second time it would be better. after a few more dates, he decided to make a declaration.
him: we are just friends and i think we shouldn't have sex anymore.
me: oh. okay.
him: okay?
me: yeah that is cool. i can only respect your wishes.
*fast forward a week*
he and i went to the movies and afterwards we sat on his couch talking. he started to kiss me and i stopped him.
me: i think i should leave.
him: why? i thought we could ... ya know?
me: remember you said we shouldn't have sex. so i am just trying to respect your wishes. you have a good night though.
he spent the next 15 minutes begging for the cooch, but i left and went home. and yes i laughed all the way home.

this was a clear case where his actions spoke louder than his words, but i was not going to allow him to use his words against me. see he would have had sex with me and then when i would have expressed interest in a relationship of some sort, he would have referred back to his "words". so you see why i don't abide by that actions over words mess. people use their words as a safety net to refute their actions. they feel that as long as they say one thing, they cannot be held responsible for the things they do. and "show me don't tell me" gets people caught up.

think about that side piece or mistress (SP/MIS) who always talks about the things "their man" does for them. but that dude told them on day one he was NEVER leaving his wife/main chick for them. but the side piece is focusing on his actions. if you knew how many times i heard the phrase "that's what his mouth say". and that is what is mouth is going to continue to say. he may take her to the damn family reunion (because some dudes do too much), but everybody there will approach him and ask about his wife/main chick right in front of SP/MIS. because despite what she does with him, he has never spoken to his family about that SP/MIS. but the family know what her place is. sad, but very true.

most times the truth is in action. and if you observe long enough, you can figure out what is real based on behavior. but my advice is to just make a mental note of that. don't react to it until it is clearly stated in words. you never want to put your self in a situation where you are told you were mistaken. "i told you what it was." emphasis on told, not showed. and yes that seems silly, but is just a part of the miscommunication that is experienced in relationships daily.

*i write from a protect your heart standpoint. i am trying to be a little more vulnerable. i'm a work in progress*

13 July 2014

Girl you can't keep running ...

i am a runner.
no i don't run marathons, half marathons or even 5K's. in my defense, it kinda hurts when i try to run. but that's not the type of running i am talking about.

when i was getting my first Master's degree in Counseling, i wrote a paper about children of divorce.  my focus was how the divorce affected the intimate relationships of children when they were older. i did a lot of research and most of the information i came across was very similar. i found that children of divorce fit in two specific categories: clingers and runners. please understand that i am giving you layman's terminology because it's been a minute and it's also easier to describe it in this manner.

clingers were people who held on to relationships for dear life. despite the difficulties that the relationship may have endured, a clinger will stay and fight until the end. the relationship is always most important  to a clinger. the goal is to maintain that connection no matter what. now you can imagine that a runner is the exact opposite of a clinger and you would be correct. runners take off at any sign of turmoil or hard times. yes runners want to be in relationships, but they definitely don't want the difficult moments.

my running is a defense mechanism, used to protect my heart from further abuse. have i run away from some good people? probably. do i regret my running? sometimes, but i only move forward. i have tried not to run and i was successful for a good stretch. but recently i pulled out my Nikes and have tried them on a couple of times. i never laced them up, but they are starting to feel comfortable on my feet.

i always knew i was a runner at heart, but never thought other people could see that in me. recently a good friend of mine gave me a cd and told me that one of the songs was written for me specifically. the title of the song: Running. i listened to the song and realized that i might actually have a problem. damn, maybe i need to work on this running thing.

so here i am stretching my calves and warming up for a would be sprint. and i'm thinking ... on your mark, get set .....

*this blog was written for information purposes only ...i'm still learning the lesson*

07 July 2014

Ka RahTay - Jailbirds ain't loyal

Dear Karrueche,

I will not misspell your name again because I hate when people butcher my name and it is far less difficult. Let me introduce myself, my name is Tam and I am an old school chick who has seen some things and been around the block. So let me talk to you about my VA cousin Christopher.

When he was incarcerated, he was the sweetest man you knew. He loved you and missed you so much. He couldn' wait to get out and hold you in his arms. He might have even written you the most sugary sweet letters while he was confined for 23 hours of the day. I even saw the video of the birthday party you surprised him with after he was released. That was damn awesome. He looked so happy and he kissed you and told you he loved you for doing it. And he meant it. But let's talk about jailbirds.

You have to understand that men in jail don't really have loads of access to a plethora of women. Some guys join those penpal sites and try to con...I mean sweet talk women into dating them. Why would a woman date a man that is locked up? Dedication. He can't really cheat on her and it's not like  a lot of chicks would be checking for him anyway. In exchange, those men are dedicated like hell to that chick that is accepting his collect calls and padding his commissary. With cousin Chris it was all the same and just a tad different.

His sentence wasn't long and he is famous. Despite people trying to get at him in rehab or jail, his access was limited to probably you and his momma. Oh and his lawyer. You were his life line in jail. But just like other convicts, when cousin Chris became a free man his old habits returned very quickly.  And although he talked about change and doing things different, he will only change for himself and when he wants. I am so sorry you got caught in his jailbird behavior, but lots of women have been where you are.

You are a gorgeous girl and I am sure you will bounce back. So please hold your head up and keep moving forward.


Tam - who got robbed when her jailbird friend got out