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31 July 2015

The Friend Zone

I  always have conversations about the friend zone. What it means to be in the friend zone, how to escape the friend zone, and if the friend zone really exists. I know that several guys would probably say that I placed them in the friend zone, but the truth is that I wasn’t interested in dating them. It is nicer to say that you would rather be friends, when in reality you want them to stop talking to you altogether, just leave you alone. But I recently found out that saying you would rather be friends isn’t nicer than just telling them you are no longer interested; it’s actually worse.
Yes people, I was placed in the friend zone. I am not arrogant enough to think that it cannot happen to me, because it has happened in my past. I think it was unexpected and I was blindsided like a rookie quarterback being hit by JJ Watt. I was always taught to trust my gut and I knew something was different, I could feel it. When asked if everything was okay, I was told it was cool. In reality it was not. A decision was made concerning something I was a part of, but nobody consulted me. It was a selfish decision. But grown people are entitled to do what is best for them. So was I cool with my new place in his world, NOPE.
Here is the thing, I have lots of male friends. These are mostly guys that I have known for 10+ years, men who have been there for me during my lowest times, men I can tell my secrets to, men who will never judge me. And these are also men I have never slept with. I believe when sex is on the table the nature of our “friendship” changes. See my problem is that I am normally not really “friends” with the men I sleep with. Gosh that seems horrible to type, but I am being honest. I never really take the time to get to know them. And that is my fault, but recently I truly made an attempt. I took this task on and I think I truly made a friend with “benefits”. Now suddenly, there are no benefits.
Normally, the cut off process would begin immediately and he would be erased from my history. I didn’t do that this time because I want to believe that I can be friends with somebody I had sex with. *laughs* That sounds awful also, but I am a work in progress. This friend thing is harder than I imagined. I started to wonder if I put forth this much effort in my long term friendships or had I taken advantage of my friends? I mean they know me well and accept my fuckery, but why was I trying so hard with HIM? I had to admit to myself that I just wanted some semblance of what we had before, but it can’t be like that anymore. So why even try?
That is the question that I have no answer to. As I figure that out, I will have to update you guys on how this friendship thing is going, if it goes at all.

09 July 2015

I am Georgia Byrd

i am Georgia Byrd.
most of y'all are like: who is Georgia Byrd?
Georgia Byrd was a hard working woman who lived her life by the book. she was responsible, paid her bills on time, contributed to her 401k, never ruffled any feathers at her job, and took care of her family when they chose to be irresponsible.

But Georgia had dreams. she kept her dreams in a book of possibilities. in the book was a picture of a restaurant she would one day open, an exotic vacation that she would go on and that really good looking guy at her job that she had a crush on. she was too shy to ever speak up and address the guy and she felt he would never be interested anyway. Georgia was living, but not really.

one day Georgia bumped her head and had to go to the doctor to make sure that she was okay. mostly so her job wouldn't be liable for any worker's compensation. the doctor discovered that Georgia had an terminal brain disease and that she only had a few months to live. all of this time Georgia was hoping for her possibilities and now her life was going to end. it didn't seem fair.

Georgia decided that she would live out her dreams in her last few weeks. she decided to quit her miserable job and go on that much needed vacation. did she approach that good looking fellow? she didn't think it necessary, she wasn't going to be around that long anyway, falling in love now wouldn't help anything.

if you have never seen "Last Holiday", you should give it a watch and see how Georgia's story turns out. i have seen the movie several times and it didn't dawn on me until last night that i am Georgia Byrd. no i am not dying and i don't always pay my bills on time, but her story resonated with me.

i was raised to do things in a certain way and i never really questioned it until i found myself stuck in a miserable relationship. i realized that i wasn't living at all, i was just maintaining. what i was maintaining was a sad life that i did not enjoy. my awakening came in the form of a break up. when the relationship that i had put eight years into ended, i had to figure out what to do with myself.

i have thus made a few bad decisions (maybe more than a few), but i am figuring it all out as i move forward in my life. i am thinking that i need to create my own book of possibilities to lead me along my new journey. i have some goals that i have set for myself that i have been working on. i hope to be sharing those things with you very soon.

i wrote all of this to say: Live your life to the fullest. Stop waiting on the perfect time because it may never come. Follow your dreams. And all that other good shit.

*this was written for me. hopefully others get something out of it.