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31 July 2015

The Friend Zone

I  always have conversations about the friend zone. What it means to be in the friend zone, how to escape the friend zone, and if the friend zone really exists. I know that several guys would probably say that I placed them in the friend zone, but the truth is that I wasn’t interested in dating them. It is nicer to say that you would rather be friends, when in reality you want them to stop talking to you altogether, just leave you alone. But I recently found out that saying you would rather be friends isn’t nicer than just telling them you are no longer interested; it’s actually worse.
Yes people, I was placed in the friend zone. I am not arrogant enough to think that it cannot happen to me, because it has happened in my past. I think it was unexpected and I was blindsided like a rookie quarterback being hit by JJ Watt. I was always taught to trust my gut and I knew something was different, I could feel it. When asked if everything was okay, I was told it was cool. In reality it was not. A decision was made concerning something I was a part of, but nobody consulted me. It was a selfish decision. But grown people are entitled to do what is best for them. So was I cool with my new place in his world, NOPE.
Here is the thing, I have lots of male friends. These are mostly guys that I have known for 10+ years, men who have been there for me during my lowest times, men I can tell my secrets to, men who will never judge me. And these are also men I have never slept with. I believe when sex is on the table the nature of our “friendship” changes. See my problem is that I am normally not really “friends” with the men I sleep with. Gosh that seems horrible to type, but I am being honest. I never really take the time to get to know them. And that is my fault, but recently I truly made an attempt. I took this task on and I think I truly made a friend with “benefits”. Now suddenly, there are no benefits.
Normally, the cut off process would begin immediately and he would be erased from my history. I didn’t do that this time because I want to believe that I can be friends with somebody I had sex with. *laughs* That sounds awful also, but I am a work in progress. This friend thing is harder than I imagined. I started to wonder if I put forth this much effort in my long term friendships or had I taken advantage of my friends? I mean they know me well and accept my fuckery, but why was I trying so hard with HIM? I had to admit to myself that I just wanted some semblance of what we had before, but it can’t be like that anymore. So why even try?
That is the question that I have no answer to. As I figure that out, I will have to update you guys on how this friendship thing is going, if it goes at all.

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