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31 August 2008


often i have known people that have fallen in love with the potentiality of a person. you imagine what could "possibly be" when you meet someone new, even though its their "representative" giving all the information. as a younger version of myself, i have committed the crime of potentiality love.

i met a young man who was a college graduate and had a prospering job as a commodities trader. he drove a nice car, had his own place and spoke of what his future looked like. i was hooked. we spoke often about the future and what we were going to do to improve our lives. he was interested in my goals and wanted to know my plans for achieving those goals. i was in heaven and he had the "potential" to be the perfect husband. i was ready to move forward and make things happen, but he had a few habits that we needed to tweak.

my future "potential" spouse liked to drink. he traveled a lot for business and always called me from his hotel room. after about the 5th trip, i noticed the calls came only when he was wasted. i am not talking 2 or 3 drinks, this man was about 6'2" and weighed about 265. do you know how much liquor he had to ingest to get that drunk? after a while i got tired and told him not to call me drunk. he was making it hard to like his "potential". when he would drink, his representative would take a seat and let the real him speak. talk about loose lips sinking ships! this was a man that chose his college based on a fine girl he saw, got kicked out of that school and went to 3 more before he graduated because of his drinking. my rose colored glasses were quickly becoming clear. but i chose to hang on a little while longer. i mean he had all that other stuff going for him (SMH).

in one of his drunken tirades, i found out that he did not like to talk about his feelings (red flag). lawd what was i doing? i called my best friend up to discuss this roller coaster situation and she said something so very profound to me.
"you never have anything positive to say about this guy."
WOW! i had not even noticed that nothing good was coming of this relationship. i was so focused on what could "potentially" happen that i didn't see what was really going on. eventually things fell apart because he gave ME an ultimatum. can you believe that? i don't think i was even sad about the situation; i was just tired of worrying about him getting a DUI and killing folks.

after that incident, i was done with potential. i decided that what a man was when met him was all i should expect. if great things happened, they happened; but i could no longer focus on what could be. either you do it or it doesn't get done, i have no time to wait for it to happen.

29 August 2008

Play or Be Played

i have never read the above book, but i think that i should give it out as a Christmas gift to all of my girls, single and otherwise. the first time i saw Tariq Nasheed was on some daytime talk show similar to Ricki Lake or the sort and he disgusted me totally. he was talking about the silly things that women do and spoke of what men really wanted. there was nothing but truth in what this man said but i was not ready to hear what he had to say.

instead of listening to what Tariq had to say, i went on my own journey to find out about men. shortly after my completion of college, i was able to reacquaint with one of my childhood friends. we grew up in the same neighborhood and had all the same friends coming up. once he started dating my best childhood friend, we drifted apart. she wanted all his attention on her, hell she wanted everbody's attention. needless to say, we lost touch. when i moved back in with my parents, i found that his mom had moved and left him and his older brother the place. i knew they were living the life. toss in his best friend and you've got a party in the making.

i stumbled up on the den of debauchery (my new favorite word) by accident. i was driving by and i saw loads of cars with cute boys in them and i wanted in. so i slowed down and "holla'd" at my old friend.
" are you having a party or something?"
"naw just some of my people over and we're grilling out."
"sounds like fun."
"if you aren't busy, you should come over."
that was all i needed to drive home, run in and change and run the 50 feet back to his front door. yes ladies and germs, he was my next door neighbor. after that day, i was a permanent fixture on the couch. my parents knew that if my car was in the driveway and i was not at home, i was next door. they never had a problem with it because they had no clue what was going on inside.

at the D of D, i learned how men operate. it was like Tariq Nasheed's book but in live action. i would sit and listen to the repeated lies they told women because i wanted to know when i was being lied to. the guys never held back around me but were also very protective of me. when i attempted to get with one of them, i was schooled immediately.
"that nigga is crazy."
"like for real punch holes in walls crazy."
they became my war council. i would come to them with stories, take there advice and prepare for battle with the dude i was dating. i know it was an unfair advantage, but i used it. they all had different qualities that contributed to my "education". For example, Stallion(wow) taught me not to date baby mama haters(please see an earlier blog) and Cutie Shorty illustrated to me what i did not want in a husband. the lessons were all around me and i loved it.

in an effort to spread the good knowledge, i invited my homie over to the D of D. she came in with her own agenda. she scoped out the meat (guys) and decided which one she wanted to engage. the entire point of her visit was missed. most her time that evening was spent flirting and giggling over her drink. needless to say, she was never allowed in the D of D again. i was unable to make my fellow females appreciate the importance of male comradery. even exposure to the environment proved to be ineffective.

even though i have lost contact with most of the my boys from the D of D, i have acquired plenty more male friends. and that is my suggestion to my female counterparts, acquisition. not gay male friends, but hetero male friends that are not interested in you. i know you are so fly that every man wants you, but that one man that doesn't is the one you make your friend. his advice will be the best that you get. and no the dude that was your old cutty buddy doesn't count. his goal will always be to get some more, so his advice will be a little slanted. once you have that male friend, use him like wikipedia and learn.

12 August 2008

He was my Cuddle Jawn before I knew the meaning

first i must offer up a disclaimer: these stories have no type of sequence. something reminds me of a time and situation, so i write about it.

yesterday while talking to my boyfriend, i repeated a phrase i used in college and it made me think about this guy i used to know. we will call him Mr. Burns to protect the innocent. the nickname is appropriate because most people felt he resembled Homer Simpson's boss. thus i stick with what i know.

when i was a junior in college, i moved off campus with 2 of my "friends", but most of my homies still lived on campus. whenever i had time in between classes or after my shift at the dining hall, i was in the dorm. i was convinced that my homies had picked this particular dorm because all of the football and basketball players lived there. of course that was not a problem for me, i love a little eye candy every now and then. at that time, i was single; very single. i had been single at that point for a year or so. i had plenty of guys that i liked to flirt with, i even had specific guys that i slow danced with at parties, but no real boyfriend prospects. i'm not even sure i was looking for a boyfriend, but i did want a nice body to sleep with.

being close to a man was the thing i missed most about my previous relationship. we could just lay together for hours and have the best time. and no there was no sex (well at that point there wasn't). so i had an idea of what i wanted from a guy, but how many of them would allow me that comfort without wanting something in return. enter Mr.Burns.

Mr. Burns and i were cool and shared a few laughs here and there. i didn't know much about him and he only knew what he heard from others about me. i am still not sure what my reputation was with the fellas, but i didn't really care; i was having a good time in college. it strangely worked out that my homies had a room across the hall from Mr. Burns and his roommate Dairy King. i would see them in the hall and wave but no more than that. Mr. Burns and i had spoken outside of the dorm but the conversation was never in depth. one day i was supposed to meet the homies at the dorm but i was a little early. i found myself in the hallway pacing when Mr. Burns opened his door.

"hey Mr. Burns" (no i did not call him that)
"hey girl. what u doing?"
"waiting on homie 1 and 2."
"you want to come in here and wait?'

hmmmmm, should i or shouldn't i? Mr. Burns had this mischievous look on his face and i was very aware of it. but something made me want to go inside.

"i'on know about that."
"i won't bite. i promise."

so i voluntarily stepped into the lion's den, the little lamb i was. i have to explain that even though he looked like Mr. Burns in the face, the rest of him looked like this. so you have an idea of the temptation that was creeping up inside me. when he opened the door he was wearing a tank top and shorts....lawdamercy!!!!!!

i sat down at his desk and we started chatting about our hometowns, school, people we knew. it wasn't long before i lost track of time and realized that i was now running late. i thanked him for his hospitality and went on my way. the homies noticed me coming out of his room and had all sorts of questions, but there was really nothing to tell.

as i frequented the dorm more often, i started stopping over at Mr. Burns room to say wassup. we had become cordial to the point that I would hang out when i couldn't find the homies. i was so comfortable that i moved from the desk to the bed, from a sitting position to a lying position with my shoes off. i didn't feel like i was in any danger because Mr. Burns was a complete gentleman. and then it happened one day. when i laid down, he laid down beside me. not in a "i'm pushing up on you" way, but in a "i'm comfortable with you" way. it was very nice for a moment until Orange Julius walked in. he was shocked and so were my homies. you see when Orange Julius came back he held the door open long enough for my homies to see what the commotion was about. i wasn't shamed, i just didn't want the world to say it was more than it was.

Mr. Burns was a perfect cuddle jawn. and he never wanted more (his roommate was a different story altogether). but Mr. Burns never got a fair break because he looked like Mr. Burns. i was wrong for it and sometimes think if i overlooked the grill what might have happened.

06 August 2008

The Ideal

every woman has an ideal man. for me the ideal guy would look like Leonard Peters (on the left) and would love me like Dwyane Wayne loved Whitley on A Different World. he would be the world's greatest lover and have Bill Gates money. and in an utopian society that would happen. but as you mature, you realize what is most important. in life i have someone in my life who loves me despite my evil days and stinky feet. and i love him just the same. but you do have some people who get stuck on that ideal and spend most of their life chasing it.

do you remember Kamilah from The Real World: Boston? she had a list of about 500 qualities that she was looking for in a man. and she refused to settle until she found someone with the majority of them. i laughed at her regularly because she was setting herself up for failure. i don't know how long she chased that dream, but she probably got a big dose of reality after that show ended.

everyone is going to have a preference and know what they will or will not deal with in a partner, but i need for people to be realistic. if you are 300lbs and want to be a stripper, i doubt you will make Buffy the Body money. so i need people to understand that some is better than none. if that person has a few of the qualities that are important, work with 'em. no he/she may not turn heads in the club but the dude/chick that does might give you Herpes or have bad credit, neither of those are good.

make good choices. how does he/she treat you? what are his/her aspirations in life? are you both looking for the same thing? these are pertinent questions to ask YOURSELF. once you know the answers, you can decide which direction to take. remember its a marathon, not a sprint. (c) NYOil