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01 March 2011

Will I ever find the nerve......

I love him and he doesn't know. ~ Zhane

Crush is one of my favorite Zhane' songs. mostly because it is about my love life. it's doubtful that Jean and Renee' were thinking about a young black girls love life when the tune was written, but i swore one of them was standing over my shoulder for most of my 20's.

yes i love him and he doesn't know. it was my M.O. not so long ago.
1. girl meets boy.
2. girl likes boy a lot.
3. girl and boy become friends.
4. girl falls in love with boy.
5. girl never tells boy.
6. girl gets mad because boy never catches hints.

that pretty much was what i had been doing since middle school. confidence was my enemy and was whooping my ass in any fight i dared to start. guy started my spiral into nothingness. yes his name was guy and my older self would have warned younger me about boys with names like that. he was my middle school crush. i was a chubby, four eyed 11 year old who decided to take a chance. on ValenTIMES day, i sent him a secret admirer candy gram. loving him from a far was my plan all along, but for my friends that was not good enough. fast forward to my seventh period P.E. class....guy approaches me and says "here". i looked down to see him handing me my lovely note, whilst munching on the candy that came along with it. it was official, after that date that i would NEVER tell any man that i liked him ever again. and i didn't for a long time and when i did it was disastrous.

i recall falling in love with a good guy friend and being extremely afraid of letting him know. he knew that i liked him in a past life but this was a new start of an old relationship. most of my time was spent with this young man and even though he discussed his dates with me and i complained about my wack "non-boyfriend", he was my ideal. my mom knew, my friends knew, so how could he NOT know? one day i could not take anymore and neither could my mom, so she forced me to say something. if you know me, you know i'm loud, boisterous and appear to be afraid of nothing. yeah that is a lie because having this conversation was the scariest one i have had to date. it went something like this:

me: hey wassup?
him: nothing. what you doing?
me: i'm about to go out, but i wanted to talk to you....
him: wassup?
me: *pause* ummm...well you see....
momma: *in the background* tell that boy how you feel!!!
me: *covers phone* momma stop it!!!
him: *laughs* what is momma doing?
me: acting a plum been feeling a certain way
him: about....
me; you and me...and its just that...the more we are around each other.....ummmm...the more i don't want to be with anybody else but you......
him: i feel the same way....
me : so...what are we gonna do about it....cuz....
momma: *in the background* my daughter is in love with you!!!
me: *silence*
him: *silence*
me: ummm...yeah what she said.....
him: i feel the same way....
me: soooo....
him: i'm gonna come over so we can talk.....
me: ok
him: ok
and it was done....literally. the talk never happened, at least not the talk i was expecting. he did come to my house and we did talk...about his new girlfriend. WTF???!!! yes people there was another chick that was closer to the prize than i had ever been. wouldn't have wasted my fear and embarrassment if i knew, but i spilled it all over my living room during the phone call. after that day, it was officially sealed that no man would know how i felt about them. at least not until they told me first.

yeah, yeah spare me with the "that's not fair" and "you should be past that" type of comments. i sometimes get tired of wasting my good emotions on people who don't waste any on me. moving forward i was treading lightly in my interactions with men; remaining single for over 5 years. then i met community dick and that is another story in itself ( he caught me slipping). my current beau only found out that i liked him because it slipped out. thanks Freud!! its too late in life to go back and tell all the boys that i loved them, but maybe somebody will take action in situations where i did not. please learn from my silence.