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23 July 2007

how you start it, is how you finish it

when she met him, he had been dating his girlfriend for about 10 months. she admired him from afar and knew of his relationship. it still did not stop her from sleeping with him when he approached her. it was not a one night stand but an affair of sorts. in her mind, he would grow tired of the girlfriend and he would be all hers.

well when he was caught and confronted about his extra curricular activities, he shunned her in the face of his girlfriend. she was a stalker. that was the story he told everyone. she was devastated. not because he denied her but she believed that they were friends. they went their separate ways and he married his girlfriend. but not long into his marriage, she got the call.

he missed their friendship and he want to have dinner. she agreed to dinner and later much more. so now she was his mistress and she still felt that he was living a lie with his wife. eventually the wife grew tired of the cheating and she left. this was a sure sign that he was meant to be with her. well of course they dated or so she thought they were dates. he would stand her up and never show when she really needed him, but the sex was always fabulous.

somehow she came to the conclusion that she was in love with this man. a man who up to this point had been selfish and only used her for his own sexual gratification. in the midst of this lopsided relationship, he had a daughter with another woman. she was hurt but because they never placed any boundaries or titles on their situation, she could not complain. she finally mustered up enough courage to ask him about them being an item and building a true relationship. he told her point blank, "you are not the one and if you were you would not have to ask."

she was destroyed. when she asked me what i thought, i had one phrase for her.
"how you start it is how you finish it."
she started the entire situation on the wrong foot and there was no way it was going to develop into some wonderful, ideal romance. and that has always been my approach to situations with men. you can't create rules to a game in the middle of playing.

MORAL: know what you want in the beginning and let it be known. be truthful to yourself and your partner

12 July 2007

"you look like a freak"

that was exactly what he said to me. the conversation started so nicely and eventually took a turn for the worse, in my opinion. he actually told me not to take his compliment the wrong way. COMPLIMENT? this dude had to be joking. he had given me his entire resume prior to asking the standard questions (single? kids?). he was shocked that i did not have kids but wanted to make sure that i was having sex. WTF??? again i thought that he was was being a jokester, but i realized that he was being serious. here was this professionally dressed business man with 3 degrees saying and asking the most absurd things. that made me laugh AT him and reevaluate continuing the conversation. but i was at work (RIP Wherehouse) and as a customer service associate, i had to make sure he was being helped.
"so why don't you have kids?"
"because i am careful."
"oh so you still be doing ya thing?"
"you know what I mean.."
i started to make my way to the other side of the store to straighten cds and to get away from this clown, but of course he followed. and that is when he hit me with his "compliment". i should have known it was bad because he prefaced it with a disclaimer.
"don't take this the wrong way."
"but you look like a freak."
of course he was trying to explain his statement and i was just looking at him all wide eyed and astonished (y'all know that face). maybe because i was being pleasant, he took it as a positive response but i was just doing my job. he did give me his business card and asked that i call after work. he really over estimated his game and under estimated my esteem level and intelligence. i promptly trashed it.

i was unsure if it was a vibe i was giving off because he was not the only one to approach me in that manner. i went out with my sister one night and was approached by the ice cream man (literally). he also gave me his resume (he drove the truck to pay bills but he was an aspiring artist) and bought me a drink. that was when he dropped the bomb on me. he asked me if i was bisexual. WTF?? when i looked at him all crazy, he gave his best explanation.
"i mean that sh*t just turn a ni**a on"
i was not interested in turning you on at this point and you just turned me completely off. i was polite but eventually made my way closer to the stage so i could hear Little Brother. i was hoping that this was not the best that had to be offered in ATL. and if it was i was going to have a long year. i think that man thought this type of conversation was "cute" or "flattering" in some way. people use what works for them and this had to have worked on some poor female.  after MY negative reaction, both dudes hopefully revamped their game plan. i saw mr."you look like a freak" a week later and he shunned me. acted like we had never met, it made me laugh. i guess he was shamed of himself. i hope he was shamed of himself.

MORAL: Dudes step ya game up.....LITERALLY

09 July 2007

the what ifs

my homegirl told me that i should do a post on the what ifs. i have been in so many different situations that if i had acted differently, my life would have changed drastically. i don't even know where to start.

  • what if......i had accepted that booty call my freshman year, would t*****w and i have continued to hook up with him? would kev and the fellas (my best guy friends in college) looked at me differently?
  • what 2 friends were not in the hotel room with me and him?
  • what if......i took c****y home with me instead of making him sleep in the dorm? he like me enough to drive up for a visit, would we have become more than a passing thing?
  • what if.....i majored in music in college like i wanted to? what would i be doing now? would i be like mona scott?
  • what if ......the puerto rican 6'6" twin of chris webber was not so corny? *shivers* (y'all know i love chris webber)
  • what if......i was calm enough to talk to chris webber, instead of acting a fool in front of him?
  • what if.......i was calm enough to talk to d'angelo, instead of acting a fool in 7 eleven? (do u see a pattern here?)
  • what friends were not cockblockers and i had slept with ALL those dudes in my drunken stupor? two words - darsetta jr. ( i love u girl!!!!)
  • what if.......i had gone to the college of my choice (Univ of MD) instead of my mother's choice (JMU)?
i'm looking at the list so far and there are actually on two things i would change ( you guessed it chris and d'angelo). but i stand firm and believe what i did choose was right for me. if i had gone to different school or had a different major, i would not have the friends that i hold so dear right now. choices are a chain of events, if you change one you change everything. i enjoy my life and don't have time to reminisce on the what ifs. tan, thank you for making me look back and appreciate what i have and who i have in my life.

03 July 2007

children: the new aphrodisiac

when i met men they usually ask the same 2 questions: 1. do you have a man/are you single? 2. do you have kids? because i am in my 30's and don't have kids, some guys are astonished and in some guys minds i get a few extra points. some men don't mind children, but most that i know want to date a woman sans kids. for some strange reason it is the opposite in women. you know i have my own theories on why and what draws women to men with kids.

the first time i witnessed the allure of babies and men was at the tender age of 14. i had a huge crush on my cousins brother in law (hey Randy! where is my CD?) and she had just had a baby. we all went shopping one day, and Randy decided to take the baby and stroll across the store. as he walked away, i watched grown women stop him, ask questions about the baby, flirt with him and decide whether to give him the number or not. besides being pissed off because they were getting at my man (LOL), i was confused because i thought that a baby would surely be repellent. and the exact opposite occurred and i did not understand why until i was older.

as an adult woman, there is nothing sexier to me than good parenting. just the other day, i watched a man discipline his kids and i told him after he was done that "i enjoyed that very much". Unless your testosterone levels are high, most women enjoy babies or little kids, especially if it is not theirs. so the combination of a good looking man with a cute baby playing daddy sends a women's ovaries into overdrive. what a woman sees is how this man would interact with her child or a child that they may have together in the future. and a lot of these women grew up in single parent homes, so that father figure ideal appeals to them. there is nothing wrong with this type of attraction, but men have gotten hip to it and are using it to their advantage.

 i recall getting cute messages from a young man's child. it was so cute, but i was a little upset because i had never met the child. which meant her father put her up to it and this was not the first time nor the last that he would do so. i don't agree with the way some men now use their children to entice women. but some women don't seem to care and get involved with the pseudo daddy's anyway.

my concern is that women, especially those missing their father, look at the father in their potential mate. but inadvertently we forget to focus on their other qualities. we don't ask often enough where is the baby's mother and what happened there? so we get caught up and find that this man is not exactly what we thought or imagined in our heads. so we know that kids are cute and that men with kids are even more attractive (less the baby mama drama), but we need to stay focused on what is important. His good parenting skills are definitely a plus but what about his relationship skills? (Relationship skills is a whole 'nother thing to be discussed later).

MORAL: i don't want to say beware of the man with children, but i would say step lightly into that situation. and be prepared for ANYTHING that can happen.