Ads 468x60px

twitterfacebookgoogle pluslinkedinrss feedemail

22 June 2010

Steppin' into Psycho

i was dreaming or sleep walking because that could not be the man who told me he was going to New Jersey standing 10 feet away from me. and he was not standing alone. she was short, petite, light skinned and totally opposite of me. so she was what he was doing this weekend. i tore through the store screaming like a banshee and began to pummel his face with my fists before it took 3 Nike store employees to pull me off of him. at least that was what happened in my mind, while in reality i just stood there with my face getting hotter and my heart breaking in my chest. my good friend Cree decided to let him know that i was in the building. so she saunter over there and pointed me out, but my feet were cemented to floor. after he introduced me to his "cousin", i quickly left the store and focused on something other than what had just taken place. this would not be the last time he told me lies to my face because i did stick it out for quite some time. but after a hysterical, tear filled conversation with my best friend; i was officially done. but being done did not mean being finished.

i have always been big on revenge. it is not my best quality, but i can usually be talked off the ledge. i had already started my revenge plot with this guy by cheating (so i thought) with another dude. but that backfired on me because after saying I wasn't acting girlfriend like, the bastard said "we aren't a couple anyway". so i decided that i need to be more crafty. and i thought long and hard about my plan. one day at my job while looking at a magazine, the subscription flier fell out. *light bulb* that was it, i knew exactly what i would do. i gathered up subscription fliers from OUT, The Advocate and every other homosexual magazine i could find. my douchey friend was about to get new magazines. but after i thought about that, it wasn't devious enough. what did i want to accomplish by doing this, have his credit messed up or harm his "manhood"? i had to think a little longer about this idea.

i never shared my intentions with my friends because they would have laughed about it and then talked me out of it. i wanted to talk to my mom about the situation but i did not want her to be disappointed in my actions. *light bulb* i knew exactly how i was going to get back at this dude. i had never met his parents, but i did know their address. and how upsetting would it be to discover via the United States Postal Service that your youngest son likes boys. maybe that was why you saw him with groups of men all the time. *insert evil laughter* i smiled from that moment on knowing that the drama was about to begin in his world. on a daily, i imagined the uncomfortable conversation that his father would have with him and how upset his mother would be over the situation. i could hear his explanations falling on deaf ears and his family forever questioning his preference. *light bulb* but those things never happened because i never sent the fliers to the magazine companies. i finally realized that he just did not prefer ME and that was why i was so hurt.

after that, i put my revenge hat away for a little while (until Mr. Community Dick) and worked on being a better person. that way i would find a man who preferred me over others.

side note: fellas, any woman who says that she hasn't ever thought of some form of revenge is a liar and run quickly. we all think about it, but not all of us act upon it.

06 June 2010

Gatorade is not always the best choice

i had my eyes on Officer Tony for quite some time. he was about 6'4", dark skin and made a police uniform look super yummy. the mall was a part of his coverage area, so when i was at work i saw him frequently. but today i wasn't working and he could see me out of uniform. i was in the mall to pay my pager bill(don't judge me) and Officer Tony just happened to be there. my best friend was with me and i could finally show her all the fineness i had been drooling about.

OT: hey girl *hugs*
me: how are you?
OT: i'm good. what you doing here?
me: paying my pager bill. i'm being rude, this is my best friend.
BF: hi *waves*
me: BF this is Tony the*cough* Tiger (that is what i wanted to say)
i was floating on air and batting my eyes hard as hell while the three of us walked and talked. we paused at the kiosk in the center of the mall so i could pay my bill when HE walked up.

i saw HIM riding through the parking lot, but hoped aloud that the mall was big enough for me to miss an awkward clash. when i bump into Officer Tony(umm hmmm), i saw HIM in the jewelry store with a woman. good for HIM, he would never notice me getting all cozy with Officer Tony. how wrong was I? it was like he sniffed me out.

HIM: hey y'all!!
group (BF, OT, me): hey
HE gives Officer Tony the brotha hug/dap thingy and i immediately roll my eyes.
HIM: what y'all doing?
HE asked the group, but was only looking at me.
me: paying my pager bill
HIM: Man, you coming to the gym to ball this week.
OT: Oh yeah, i'm going to fall through this week
HIM: well i'm about to go. later.
and like that, he was gone.
my best friend could not believe the exchange and soon after the incident, Officer Tony had to run. what the hell was HE doing? HE must not understand the rules. and i was unsure how to explain rules to someone who refused to follow them.

HIS name was Gatorade and i had known him since high school. we never really "talked" until i was out of college. he approached me at my job and we exchanged numbers. little did i know that a brief conversation would lead to a year and a half of random sexual encounters. yes i was sleeping with Gatorade but was trying to get with Officer Tony. Gatorade was not interested in dating me, he was looking at jewelry with a woman that was not me. so i was confused when he came an pissed on my leg (figuratively) while i was talking to Officer Tony.

the next day, Gatorade called to explain himself.
Gatorade: wassup
me: hey
Gatorade: can I ask a question?
me: yeah
Gatorade: i mean you can be honest with me, you fucking the police?
me: what?
Gatorade: you can tell me the truth.
me: why do you care? you trying to get with me?
Gatorade: i mean, um naw.
me: did i ask who the girl was with you?
Gatorade: no
me: so why do you want to know who else i MIGHT be screwing?
Gatorade: um just saying you can tell me. so wassup?
me: goodbye Gatorade.

now after this event, most women would have walked away. but i was very single and had no real prospects for a relationship, so Gatorade was my back up plan. most of the time, he was a GREAT back up plan, but he had moments when he slipped into crazy. the Officer Tony event was just the start of many looney encounters. let me give you some examples:

1. Gatorade would make special visits to my home, unfortunately it was the home of my parents also. so i was trying to be careful of when we hooked up. he worked at a school near my home, so during the 1st period of school he would stop by. it was very convenient until my mother decided to change jobs. her schedule changed but his hadn't. so when he knocked on the door as my mother was leaving for work, her spidey sense immediately went haywire.
mom: MY NAME!!!
me: yes?
mom: there a man at the door to see you and i am not letting him in because i have no idea who it is!
me: i'm coming, hold on
*walks to the door*
me: dude what are you doing here? (whisper yelling)
Gatorade: i wanted to see you today
me: did you notice the extra car in the driveway ? (still whisper yelling)
Gatorade: yeah but i didn't think it was a big deal
me: *sigh*
i convinced my mom that he was a friend from high school, he was on his way to work and he was bringing me breakfast (thank the lord for his Hardee's bag). she eventually left and instead of cussing him out and sending him on his way....we had sex.

2. on a lovely sunday afternoon in virginia beach, my mother asked me a strange question. it was strange to me because it was information that she was not supposed to have.

mom: do you know someone that drives a white 280ZX?
me: why [would] you ask me that?
mom: because it keeps riding passed the house. it has been by at least twice this afternoon.
me: whaaaaat? i don't think i know who that is.
i excused myself from the kitchen and went to my room to make a call.
me: dude, did you just ride by my house?
Gatorade: i wanted to see if you could get away today?
me: you call me and ask me that, don't just keep riding by my house! (whisper yelling)

so by the time Officer Tony-gate happened, i knew i had to end it. my friends wondered why i never wanted to date Gatorade, but after these chain of events they understood. i knew i was responsible for some of the behaviors he exhibited because i never set any boundaries. i didn't set boundaries because....well...the sex was just too good. so i learned that Gatorade might be good for your body,but it ain't always the best choice.