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21 June 2011

Kappas and Kriminals

i feel like a disclaimer is in order because some of my closest friends are Kappas and Criminals. no disrespect to your affiliation, but this blog is about my dating life and for some reason Kappas and Criminals dominate that arena. yeah i know what everybody is saying..look at yourself, examine the people you surround yourself with, blah, blah, blah. i am a woman who grew up in a suburban area with a mother and father and a close knit family and the only time i spent in the projects was during my family trips to Brooklyn. i consider myself very versatile, a chameleon that can adapt to any environment. that is just background information to distract you from the notion that most women like bad boys, even subconsciously. i never sought them out but they seem to gravitate toward me. let's talk about where it all began.

when i was 14 yrs old, i had a crush on Randy Rand (not Cherrelle's husband) an 18 yr old who lived in a neighboring state (DON'T JUDGE ME ERIKA). he didn't like me, but i think he got a kick out of a young girl longing for him. my crush faded over time and i saw him sporadically over the next few years. then i got news that Randy Rand was being sent up the river for a crime that i believe was linked to a rock substance that some people smoke. i felt sorry for him so i decided to write him, send some photos, tell him what was happening in my world. it was all innocent (so i thought) until his letters started saying he was talking to people about ME in the prison. *side eye* he was the homie and i wasn't interested in dating former felons. when he got out, i saw him briefly. he thanked me for the letters and he faded into Bolivia (c) Mike Tyson. that wasn't a relationship by any means, but after that situation every dude i met had a record of sorts. for example:

1. Antonio The Dope Boy: i used to be in love with Larry Johnson (don't judge me) and this guy was his twin. that was the initial attraction, but i should've known from the company he kept that incarceration was in his future. shortly after he threatened to come to my home and slap the sh*t out of me, he was sent to the clink. i received word when i was away at college that he was getting out and was looking for me. ummmm no sir, that thing is dead and in the ground.

2. Porky Pig with a gold tooth: that was how my mom described this dude. he was from a questionable side of town and seemed to have lots of money for an unemployed high school graduate. he was the first guy i kissed and thus became my first love. of course this relationship didn't last long, but we remained friends. last time i spoke with him, he talked about changing his life for his newborn son. six months later he died from gunshot wounds he received while trying to break up a fight.

3. J*** The college thug: in college i had a crush on everybody (again DO NOT JUDGE ME) and this guy was one of them. he seemed like a nice enough guy, he was cool and we got along. i heard talk of him being a little rough around the edges, but this was college and those type of people weren't in college (my dumb ass). one day he showed me who he was when he pulled a knife on me so he could get my umbrella; i just bought another one.

those are just a few examples of the guys i met and i could fill this blog with plenty more, but i can't neglect those pretty boys of Kappa Alpha Psi.

when i went off to college, i knew what a Kappa was but i didn't know any Kappas. it didn't matter either way, my heart already belonged to some unsuspecting Que that i hadn't met yet. (LOL) anyone who knows me from my undergraduate adventures knows that i had a very special friendship with a certain Kappa. thanks to him, it was downhill from there. don't get me wrong, i have loads of Kappa friends that i love dearly. but my plight with their frat brothers reached such epic proportions, that i don't date Kappas any longer. i never want to generalize a group of people but these dudes that i encountered rendered me speechless and that is a VERY hard task. let's talk about 'em...

1. Corey the Man of God Kappa - when i met him, i was very clear on my stance about Kappas. he decided it was best to hide the fact that he was a Kappa, hoping that his charming personality would win me over despite affiliation. in an effort to be fair, i agreed to go out with him and see what he was about. you can read about that date here. he was a nice guy but the whole "we were meant to be together" thing on the 1st date threw me off. he asked me to go to church with him and then cussed me out because i just wanted to be friends. the man of God then proceeded to wish me bad luck and hoped that i would never find what i was looking for. REALLY??!!! and then he found my mother at her job and inquired about what he could do to get back in my good graces. do i need to continue? i should've just stuck to my guns.

2. Ward the drunk Nupe - i was new to Atlanta and i was out meeting plenty of men, but i somehow met Ward online. he was a big country boy from Alabama, just like i liked. we talked all the time and when he traveled out of town for his job, he always called. but when he called he was drunk...out of his mind drunk. we all know our limits when we drink but Ward felt like he could take a bit more. when i said he was big, he was 6'2" & 265 lbs, former football playing, working out 4 days a week, protein shake drinking big. so just imagine how much liquor he had to ingest to black out at IHOP and not know how he got home. i asked about his drinking, he said he liked the taste. the red flags were flying high, but i wasn't done with him until he gave me an ultimatum. my choices were to be with him or get out of his life. after a weekend of thought, i told Ward that i was ready to do take the plunge and i was promptly told i was too late and that he had a girlfriend. what on God's green earth??? i was only gone 2....wait, A GIRLFRIEND??!!! *womp, womp, womp*

3. the Kappa that shall not be named(KTSNBN) - he was featured in my community dick blog. this dude was the Kappa that took the cake. a messy, petty, childish sex hound preying on unsuspecting women. KTSNBN was so despicable that after being with me he asked to be hooked up with my friend. when i refused, he told me i was a hater. if that wasn't enough to add insult to injury, KTSNBN attempted on several occasions to get at my little sister. i actually had to step outside of myself and threaten his life if my name ever left his lips or entered his mind. yeah I stepped into psycho, but after that he vanished from my world. it was for the best.

again, i could go on about the Kappas; tell you about the one that told me i looked like a freak (his idea of a compliment), but you get the picture. i was forced to look hard at myself and see why the crazies loved on me so hard. it's all Judy's fault. my mother gave me her blessing and curse; i'm approachable. i like to talk and i smile when i go out. i do not scowl to turn people off, i don't have an attitude, and i'm not rude. if a man says hello, i respond. if he wants to hold a conversation, i will do that with him. that doesn't mean i am interested, but i enjoy meeting new people. so when you are open in that way, you invite a lot of things/people into your world. i have no plans on becoming some frowny, bitchy, stank attitude woman anytime soon. so i guess i will continue to fend off the Kappas and the Criminals.

19 June 2011

Three is the magic number....

since i was a child, i have had this obsession with the number three. most of my favorite athletes wore the number 3 or a number that could be divided by three (i.e. Alonzo Mourning, Allen Iverson, Vince Carter). three feet high and rising by De La Soul is one of my favorite albums of ALL TIME. its no coincidence that the number three is in the title. i only wear three rings on my hands and i have to use the third stall in the restroom or the 6th or the 9th, you get the picture. now that you know i'm a complete weirdo, it shouldn't be a shock that i believe dating can be summed up in three simple tenets. they are as follows:

1. you like him/her
2. him/her likes you
3. you and this person should spend time together

these rules are simple enough, but we jack it up every time. some of us lack confidence, some of us have baggage from previous situations, some of us are just clueless about the opposite sex. hopefully my tutorial of simple actions for my three simple dating rules will make for better outcomes.

1. you like him/her - that is it: you dig this person a little and want to get to know him/her better. conversations are imperative to your fact finding mission, because this is what the first rule is all about. you need to learn likes and dislikes, causes they support, political views, religious beliefs, kids or no kids, gay or straight...yeah ask that question. beware of the decepticons* who are not really interested in you, but like good convo. don't start making hearts with both names in your journal or testing what his last name looks like after yours. stop planning your future with the man/woman you met 20 minutes ago at the bus stop/Whole Foods/neo-bohemian record store (i didn't say club because you can't take those people serious). at this point, you only know this person smelled good, looked nice and was receptive to your conversation. get to know the person, first impressions can do wonders but there may be a few deal breakers that you only find out from playing 20 questions.

2. he/she likes you - the most assured way to know that they dig you is for them to SAY SO. don't make assumptions, don't interpret actions, and don't ask other people. the second rule requires a little bit of bravery. see you are going to have to put it out there, yes you are going to have to say how you feel FIRST. i know rejection sucks and no one wants to get their feelings hurt, but why waste unnecessary time trying to get at somebody who has put you in the friend zone or is looking for a cooch/peen in a glass (break in case of emergency). yeah i know in an earlier blog i said i don't do that, but sometimes you gotta woman/man up and tell dude/chick.
"i tell you what, i likes you and i wants you." *see The Boondocks Booty Warrior episode*
when you put it out there and they say yeah i dig you too, then we move on to the final rule.

3. you & this person should spend time together
this is when you determine if there is true compatibility. a lot of people have sex with folks they don't like. yeah the sexual chemistry is off the chain, but could you sit down in a public place and have in depth conversation about why Jeezy is better than Waka Flaka? yes you made small talk about what they like and don't like but was that the representative speaking? when you decide to spend time together make sure it is a fun environment that requires some interaction, a little bit of touching and allows for conversation. so no movie dates...sitting in the dark for two hours gets you no where. no dinner at his/her home...that is not a date stop trying to make it one. trying bowling, test his/her competitive spirit. go to an art museum, test their cultural knowledge or teach them about the art/artist. make sure you show a little bit of who you are when setting up the date. be creative when you go out with the person you like. you want to spend more time with them so a boring date is a nay no my damie.

this blog is a mere skeleton of an outline of what people can do to start the dating process on the right foot. because i'm obsessed with the number three, i will not increase the number of rules i use. but what would you add to your list? what am I missing? there is always room for improvement, but know that i would have to add three more rules for it to work for me. LMAO!!!

*decepticons are not just Transformers but good looking people who like to hang out with you but are "the ghey".

09 June 2011

So Kyle Barker is MY date?

this gentleman in the photo is Kyle Barker. anybody who watched TV in the 90's knows that Kyle was the pretentious, womanizing, Wall Street broker who later became Max's baby daddy on "Living Single". that show got me through college and "taught" me some dating tricks that may or may not have worked. Kyle was interesting to say the least but not my favorite male character on the show. that honor belonged to Khadijah's boyfriend Scooter. but that is neither here nor there, i will save that for my blog about everybody wanting their own Scooter. back to my story.....

back in the day before online dating was the thing to do, my good friend and old college roommate met a man online. all i knew was his name was David and he graduated from Brown University. being the educational snobs we were, Brown University sounded like the best thing since sliced bread. never mind that she didn't know what he look liked. she said he sent a picture, but who's to say that was really him. she communicated with him regularly and eventually a trip was planned. David lived in Maryland and decided he wanted to come to Virgina for a minute before venturing to Delaware or Philly(my memory is fuzzy). anyone who knew what a map of the U.S. looks like knew this was an out of the way trip. my assumption: there were some expectations on both sides of this meeting that i didn't have privy to. i just anticipated the call after the visit was over: "GIIIIIIIRRRRRRLLLLL!!!!" yeah that call *smiles*

the afternoon of his arrival, i received a surprise call from my friend.
me: hey! soooooo
her: hey girl! what you doing later?
me: nothing really, soooooooo?
her: David wants some seafood and wants to see the beach, so we are heading to your side of town.
me: ok *i immediately knew there was more to this phone call than i expected*
her: he also wants to go dancing.
me: so you need me to point you to the right places and whatnot?
her: well....he brought his friend and he wants to meet you.
me: *silence*
her: you gotta come with us. besides i don't know your side of town.
me: *silence*
her: Tam!
me: what time do i need to be ready? (i heard her start to clap like a little kid who just figured out how to do so)
her: we'll be over to get you at 9 pm. later girl!
i stood there looking at the phone because not only had i signed up to be a fourth wheel, but it was going to be in the company of a man i had never seen or met. *le sigh* this was going to be the longest night of my life.

unfortunately when my company arrived, 1/3 of my entire family was at my mother's house. that wasn't unusual for them, but it was unusual for me to have a date, even a blind one. i'd been on a man hiatus for a minute (cut buddies don't count), so ANYONE coming over was a big deal. as my friend came through the door, she was greeted with hugs and "heeeeys". i watched carefully as a very nice looking caramel colored man slid through my mother's door. DAMN! he was nicely built, clean cut, nice smile and dressed well. i started to pray, "please be the friend, please be the friend." my prayer ended when i overheard the introductions.
"this is my friend David."
DAMN!!! my mother was just happy to see new male faces in the house. did i say it had been quite sometime since i had a date? my eyes were clinched in prayer so i did not notice the tall, slender young man that came in the door behind David. he was the friend. he wasn't unattractive but when i looked at him and then he spoke, this was what i saw. my blind date was with Kyle Barker. *le sigh* i was already ret to go and i hadn't left my house yet. my friend knew very well what i liked and Kyle wasn't it. because i'm not rude or bitchy, i put on my happy face and rolled out with my date.

the car ride was fine, small talk with no display of ignorance; add 5 points. as we arrived at the the restaurant, he opened car door and the restaurant door; add 15 points. during dinner he offered me a taste of his lobster tail. i had dinner at my mom's before they arrived, so i politely declined; but he earned an additional 20 points. after dealing with selfish momma's boys, this dude was Prince Akeem in Kyle Barker's body. i thought to myself that blind dates might be the new thing for me. i was comfortable enough with Kyle that i loosened up and that would be imperative if we were to dance together.

the club that we went to was known for their electro/techno dance music and an eclectic crowd. my Filipino co-workers turned me on to the place, but this was my first time inside. the club used to be a micro brewery and was like a large warehouse. the room was black but the random strobe/flashing lights allowed us to see the dance floor. this would be Kyle's biggest obstacle to overcome because i fancied myself a dancer. he was about 6'2" and my only expectation was a two step. we made our way to dimly light concrete octagon in the middle of the room. needless to say he surprised me and matched all my fancy footwork; gave him 50 more points. he kept up with me and we sweated together into the wee hours of the morning. Kyle kept me hydrated and even wiped my for'd (forehead for you northerners). this dude had earned an A+ for the night.

as we drove back to my momma's, i thought about how much more attractive he was to me at night's end. and that if asked, a second date would definitely go down. but he lived far away and it was just a night of fun. i never saw or heard from Kyle Barker after that weekend, even though my friend told he wanted me to spend the night with him. *OWWWWW!!!!* i guess i'd made a good impression.

Moral of the Story: Don't judge a book by its cover. That is so cliche' and we say that we don't but WE DO. And if we are not physically attracted from the start, we pump the brakes as fast as possible. Be careful, you may miss out in a prize because he looks a little more like Overton than Boris.