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05 October 2011

What did you just call me??

if you have read my previous blog posts, you may recall my reference to the "2 minute, short short man". for those who don't know about him, he was a young man whom i dated after my graduation from college. i later found out that he never really liked me. reason i know, because he told me to my face. he was the first man whose home i wanted to set ablaze with a can of gas and a lit cigarette. never mind the fact that i don't smoke nor did i want to go to prison for arson.

2mssm (2 minute short short man) was introduced to me by my best guy friend in the world. i have known him since i was eight years old and this dude was one of his boys. i knew he rolled with male whores but this dude seemed a little different. he had several qualities i looked for in a man, but i soon realized he was a selfish ass. how did i figure that out? lack of orgasms in my sex life, but this blog is not about that. i want to talk about introductions. when you start a new relationship you are super excited to introduce him/her to your friends. you are careful about when it’s done and the words you use when bringing that new person into your circle.

my good friend, who introduced me to 2mssm, was finally settling down and marrying a girl I actually liked. there was no way i was going to miss this event. most of my family would also be in attendance, including my parents. i was given a heads up that 2mssm was going to make an appearance with his fiancé' on his arm. at this point, 2mssm was dead in my mind. when i am done, men no longer exist in my mind. somewhere there was a funeral where his family wept and then they put him in the ground six feet deep. i know that's extreme but it's MY coping mechanism.

i wasn't sweating the situation because i had just started dating someone and he was definitely coming to the event with me. *fast forward to wedding day* sooooo my new boyfriend could not make the trip to Baltimore, but i wore my brave face to the wedding. between the actual ceremony and the reception, there was cocktail hour. most people were mingling, saying hello to people they had not seen in a while. i grabbed a drink with my parents and we started our family gossip session when it happened.

i saw them out of the corner of my eye and knew i had to acknowledge their presence when my mother made the "something smells like shit" face.  so i turned to face the most awkward situation in my post college life. i fixed my face and turned for "the introduction".

me: Hi
2mssm: Hey girl! How are you?
me: I'm good and you?
2mssm: I'm good. This is my fiancé' (didn't catch her name).
me: Hi, nice to meet you.
2mssm: This is the girl I told you about. She used to hook me and (my good friend) up at the movie theatre.
i immediately looked at my mother's face after the words left his mouth. she started to rise up off her bar stool but my dad grabbed her by the forearm. my mother never liked this dude and actually thought about running him over once when she saw him in the grocery store parking lot. my face let her know that it was okay, he was trying to save face in front of (blah blah, still don't remember her name).
me: well it was good seeing you.
this was my way of ending the conversation, but you wanted to know where i was working, what i had been up to etc. because i am not rude and it was my friend's wedding, i entertained him. but as soon as he was out of ear shot, there was a field day had. not only had this man insulted me to save his own ass, he invoked the rage of my entire family (because you know that i told them).

the rest of the wedding went on without a hitch and my friend never knew about that "introduction" until a year or two later.  i always replay how i could have responded to his statement.

me: hey mr. small penis!! how is it hanging??!!
shaking his fiancé’s hand
me: congratulations on the bad sex!!!

but that would have made for an awkward scene on an otherwise beautiful day.

so why did i write this blog? to let people know that you can take the high road and come out looking good, but that doesn't mean your feelings won't be hurt. i pride myself on giving the illusion that i could give two fucks about a situation (most of the time that is not true). i care more than i should most times. but my mother taught me to never let them see you sweat because then they know they got you. if i had acted on my feelings when he introduced me to his fiancé', i would probably still be serving time in a Baltimore County prison. blacking out would have been an understatement.

so my advice to ladies is to keep a calm head. yes slashing tires and punching faces gives you an immediate high, but you are the one that winds up looking bad. i have a strong belief in karma and i know that it exists. you see when 2mssm got married, he did not have enough money to pay for his wedding, wasn't smart enough to get a marriage license before the ceremony and wound sleeping on his in laws floor while paying THEIR mortgage. *smiles*

Congratulations girl on that bad marriage!!!!!!