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20 November 2008

today's oxymoron : single married guys

he rode past me in a black SUV looking mighty "goot". i was not sure who he was but he pulled into the driveway of the den of debauchery. i was on my way to work so the investigation would have to wait until after work. when i came back, the truck was still at the d of d, so i had to make my way inside. after a shower and a doctoring of my appearance, i began my fact-finding venture.

when i returned to the d of d, the young man that i saw earlier was still there. he was playing a game of spades and enjoying a Corona when i flounced in. i sat at the table, joined in the next game and let the flirting begin. his name was Carlos and he had 2 little girls who he loved very dearly. he did not speak of their mother and i did not ask because i was attempting to be discreet. when Carlos stood up to grab another beer, i noticed he was not too much taller than the table. DAYUM!!! (womp, womp, womp) i was no longer attracted to him but i had started something that he was determined to finish.

Elvin approached me one evening and told me about a conversation he had with Carlos.
"he want you bad."
"he ask me what did he have to do to get you."
"so what he gotta do."
"well where is he so we can talk about this."
"he took his wife and kids to North Carolina......."
i never heard the rest because i was stuck on the word WIFE. this dude never ever mentioned he had a wife and behaved in such a cavalier manner that i would have never known. did his wife know that he was pursuing relationships with women outside of the one he was already in? doubt that she had a clue.

his behavior back then has now become commonplace in society. the single married guy is one who behaves as if that ceremony before a pastor or judge never took place. i don't even think it's a double life they lead, it's as if they are casually dating there wife.

my single girlfriends meet these men all the time. they are upfront about their status and hope that it is not a turnoff for the women. sometimes it isn't and that is why there has been an increase in the behavior. men are like women, they gossip too. so if one single married guy succeeds, he creates a profile of the type of women who are more likely to participate in a relationship. that sounds far fetched, right? well i actually heard a man say that he only dated single women with low self esteem. they were "easy prey and would put up with more mess" he said. WOW!!!!

i never understood why men got married when they weren't really ready. my boyfriend says people want to keep their significant other to themselves; hands off to everyone else. best way to do that is to marry a girl and convince her she is the only one you want. then you resume your life as a single man or should i say a single married man.

i need feedback on this topic. ladies, have you ever met the single married guy? fellas, are you or your homie the single married guy? get at me with some info or an explanation.

11 November 2008

don't fetishize me.....please

after college, i spent the majority of my time with my boys. i guess i should call them men, because i was 22 and they were closer to 30. so the men that i spent the majority of my time with were my confidants and problem solvers. any relationship issues i had, they helped me solve with a game of spades or Tekken and some alcohol (didn't matter what kind). my crew of homies consisted of about 8 guys and then you had a few stragglers that were friends and cousins of the other guys. even though i was the sole female around that many men, it was very rare that i was harassed. but every now and then one of those extra guys kicked it to me.

this particular night, aaron's cousin was buttering me up. he was an okay looking dude, worked at the Goodyear spot fixing cars, and he seemed to really dig me. i wasn't sure if i liked him in that way, so we exchanged numbers to get to know one another better. our conversations were very pleasant and we talked about miscellaneous things. at that point in my life, i was trying to keep my shape in order. my cousin and i were working out regularly and i was pretty hot back then (yes i said it). aaron's cousin expressed some interest in my workout, another point for i thought.
"how much weight are you trying to lose?"
"well i am more concerned about how my clothes fit."
"okay so how much smaller you trying to get?'
"probably about 2 more dress sizes"
for a visual: i was/am 5'10' and i was wearing a 16 at the time. so getting down to a size 12 was not unreasonable or impossible to achieve, i had been there before. our conversation continued:
"oh no don't do that!"
"excuse me?"
"that is too small."
did this man just tell me that a size 12 was too small? i was perplexed. i had no interest in sporting extra back fat or some side rolls, so i disregarded his comments.

the conversation bothered me, so when i went back to the den of debauchery i wanted to talk to my boys about it. i gave them details and elvin gave me the low down on aaron's cousin.
"you know dude like BIG girls"
dayum, now i was a big girl. the only reason he sought me out was because i had more cushion for the pushing. i immediately put the hot wings and beer down that night. all emotions i felt for aaron's cousin were flushed down the toilet, literally and figuratively.

i had heard about fetishes, but had never been fetishized at that point in my life. i know people have preferences, but a fetish goes a little further than that. after i withdrew my interest, i saw aaron's cousin for the chubby chaser that he really was. the closer to 300lbs the chick was, the more excited he got. *shivers* i was not about become diabetic or develop heart disease because some man wanted me a little bigger. to this day it irks me when a guy says he likes "bigger girls". dudes like that cause things like this and this.

don't get me wrong, i am a big girl and my boyfriend loves me. but he did not date me SOLELY because i was "big". this fetish philosophy applies to guys who dump chicks because they have ugly feet, who only are attracted to women with big breasts and who only like girls with long hair. the idea that a physical attribute will make or break the relationship, means that you wanted to date her feet, her breasts or her hair and that the person really doesn't matter.

so when he compliments you on your hair, the long luxuriousness of it or your feet, the beautiful arch, perfect length of toes, please raise your eyebrow 'cuz you about to be fetishized!!!

04 November 2008

serial monogamy in the black community

how many of you have an auntie that was with the same man for 12 yrs before they got married? or your aunt and uncle met at 12yrs old and have been together ever since? or how many guys did your mom date before she married your father? if you are african-american, at least one of these scenarios is a part of your family history. this is serial monogamy at its best. and these are the examples that us black girls have followed for far too long.

when i think back to what my mother taught me about dating, my mind goes blank. my mother taught me all about being my own woman, being strong, being independent, but never what to expect from a man. unfortunately during my most formative years (6-13 yrs old), there was no man in my household. so when i started dating, i had no examples to reference, never determining if it what was right or wrong.

i was a fast ass growing up and always sought out male attention. i constantly had a new boy at school or in the neighborhood that i was enamored with. my mom would always say, "you change boys like you change your drawls." after hearing that so many times, i deduced that i was supposed to stick to one boy at a time. that did not seem so bad, but being a natural sagittarius caused me to get bored very easily (we are nomadic people). to solve that problem, i would stick with one boy at a time, but for very short periods of time. again i was hit with disapproval from my parents. my father would say, "you never give guys a chance. you should give them an opportunity to mess up before you toss them aside." so this is more advice that i took to heart and tried to integrate into my dating repertoire.

so when i went off to college, what i knew about dating was 1) that i need to stick to one guy at a time and 2) to stick with them until they mess up. thus my concept of serial monogamy was born. my first year of college, i was the sole black girl in my dorm suite. i watched my white counterparts go out every weekend and bring home a new guy each time. THOSE WHORES!!!!! actually i did not think that about them, they looked like they were having a great time. i spent my first semester pining after blue eyed Craig, who wasn't thinking about me. but i called myself being patient and taking on one guy at a time. hell i liked a lot of guys in college, but i never let it be known because i would always hear my mother's voice. so when most young girls were sowing their wild oats, i was behaving like an old maid.

i have spoken to my closest friends and they have all experienced the same phenomena. hell i saw them experience it in college. when i relocated to atlanta, i decided that i could reinvent myself. no one knew me here and i could do what i wanted. so i started dating. yes more than one guy for a short period of time dating. i don't remember all of their names or even what some of them look like, but i met guys and had great adventures with them. there was no guilty momma voice, no obligations, no long extended tolerance of bad behaviors, just fun times had by all. i even made some good friends along the way.

people ask me why black girls don't date. my answer is serial monogamy, its what we are taught to do. of course there are plenty of other aspects to the concept; socialization of african-american women, religious beliefs, the madonna-whore complex, etc. but like my cousin says , "normal is what you know." so if all the women in my family are serial monogamist, why would i be different? yes i can learn new things, but taught by who? when a female in the family decides to date, she risks being treated like a leper and gets the side eye from almost everyone.

but in 2008, i am trying to single-handedly break the cycle of serial monogamy. i have two success stories and am diligently working on a third. i encourage all single african-american women to see as many men as possible. i didn't say sleep with them all, but experience a variety of men. it helps you make the correct selection when you decide to settle down. if you need some help, advice or suggestions, hit me up. remember, i am the expert.