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11 November 2008

don't fetishize me.....please

after college, i spent the majority of my time with my boys. i guess i should call them men, because i was 22 and they were closer to 30. so the men that i spent the majority of my time with were my confidants and problem solvers. any relationship issues i had, they helped me solve with a game of spades or Tekken and some alcohol (didn't matter what kind). my crew of homies consisted of about 8 guys and then you had a few stragglers that were friends and cousins of the other guys. even though i was the sole female around that many men, it was very rare that i was harassed. but every now and then one of those extra guys kicked it to me.

this particular night, aaron's cousin was buttering me up. he was an okay looking dude, worked at the Goodyear spot fixing cars, and he seemed to really dig me. i wasn't sure if i liked him in that way, so we exchanged numbers to get to know one another better. our conversations were very pleasant and we talked about miscellaneous things. at that point in my life, i was trying to keep my shape in order. my cousin and i were working out regularly and i was pretty hot back then (yes i said it). aaron's cousin expressed some interest in my workout, another point for i thought.
"how much weight are you trying to lose?"
"well i am more concerned about how my clothes fit."
"okay so how much smaller you trying to get?'
"probably about 2 more dress sizes"
for a visual: i was/am 5'10' and i was wearing a 16 at the time. so getting down to a size 12 was not unreasonable or impossible to achieve, i had been there before. our conversation continued:
"oh no don't do that!"
"excuse me?"
"that is too small."
did this man just tell me that a size 12 was too small? i was perplexed. i had no interest in sporting extra back fat or some side rolls, so i disregarded his comments.

the conversation bothered me, so when i went back to the den of debauchery i wanted to talk to my boys about it. i gave them details and elvin gave me the low down on aaron's cousin.
"you know dude like BIG girls"
dayum, now i was a big girl. the only reason he sought me out was because i had more cushion for the pushing. i immediately put the hot wings and beer down that night. all emotions i felt for aaron's cousin were flushed down the toilet, literally and figuratively.

i had heard about fetishes, but had never been fetishized at that point in my life. i know people have preferences, but a fetish goes a little further than that. after i withdrew my interest, i saw aaron's cousin for the chubby chaser that he really was. the closer to 300lbs the chick was, the more excited he got. *shivers* i was not about become diabetic or develop heart disease because some man wanted me a little bigger. to this day it irks me when a guy says he likes "bigger girls". dudes like that cause things like this and this.

don't get me wrong, i am a big girl and my boyfriend loves me. but he did not date me SOLELY because i was "big". this fetish philosophy applies to guys who dump chicks because they have ugly feet, who only are attracted to women with big breasts and who only like girls with long hair. the idea that a physical attribute will make or break the relationship, means that you wanted to date her feet, her breasts or her hair and that the person really doesn't matter.

so when he compliments you on your hair, the long luxuriousness of it or your feet, the beautiful arch, perfect length of toes, please raise your eyebrow 'cuz you about to be fetishized!!!


Naturally Alise said...

What is the line between fetish and preference? Is it because he said it out loud what he prefers, because you happened to be the object of it, or because of his "big-girl" track record?

AssertiveWit said...

"you about to be fetishized" bwahhahahahahahahahaha
you're the worst, I promise that you are LOL

a black girl who did date said...

@ naturally alise

I think it was the attitude that made it a fetish. He was turned on sexually by bigger women, it got him off. So if I were to ever get in shape,he would not feel that for me. A preference indicates that you would go out side of that characteristic.

Anonymous said...

Raise that eyebrow girl....that's what turns me on: -) I can see how problematic it is to be a be considered "exotic", etc. It's like you're not a person just a means to someone's "sexual" end. I'd hate for a woman to use me like that......ummmmm....yeah....I'd absolutely hate that ;-)

a black girl who did date said...

@ Black Yoda

I mean there are plenty things a woman can fetishize about you, but you REALLY wouldn't enjoy that.


suga said...

An ex of mine developed a fetish for feet after we broke up. We tried to work it out once, but he was so preoccupied with trying to suck my toes that it turned me completely off. lol

I do prefer a guy who is attracted to thick chics because i know that I gain and lose so much, that he better be prepared to love me in all my roundness. lol


Hey there!

We need to step AWAY from men who want to objectify black women....if they start talking about which body part they like on black women....step off.

I wrote a post about the connection between the fetishization of black women and the ANIMALIZATION of black women.... they are very closely connected.

We can not afford to ignore this increasingly dangerous aspect of men relating to black women as dismembered persons....a booty...some thighs....


Anonymous said...

i can so understand where youre coming from with this post. ive gotten a lot of confused looks when i say i dont want a man that wants a big woman....that bugs me. it especially bugs me when he says to me that he likes big girls. i'd like to think that there's more to my identity than my dress size!

i know everyone has their preferences and whatnot, but saying to me that you like big girls gives me the impression that we are interchangeable. if i lose too much or gain too much, im out the door for a new big girl. im not a fan...

Ade said...

I just got that... Someone was looking at my FB page and said you are looking good. When I said I wasn't at my ideal goal they started in on the "you are perfect, don't mess it up by getting skinny. Don't get muscles in your arms and stuff. Men don't like that." My response to this married man (refer to single married guy) was but I do! Hello!

Unknown said...

here it is:

def of fetish: "an object or bodily part whose real or fantasied presence is psychologically necessary for sexual gratification and that is an object of fixation to the extent that it may interfere with complete sexual expression"

to prefer means: "to like better or best"

so if a guy happens to prefer women with big butts, or a girl prefers a man over 6 feet, that is a preference.

i don't think your post didn't differentiate between the two. dude obviously had a fetish but the other people you noted had a preference.