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18 December 2014

The Secret ... Is that you?

this blog is not at all about the book "The Secret". i never believed in the hype of that movement because ever since i can remember Geneva was talking to me about "The Secret". my Grandmother always talked about speaking things into existence. and if you know me well, you will hear me say "be careful what you put into the universe". i genuinely believe in the power of words. but this is a tale of when someone that you care a great deal about makes you "the secret".

normally when a woman realizes that she is "the secret", she finds out simultaneously that she is the side piece/side chick/jump off and that there is a wife/girlfriend and kids that she never knew existed. i mean that is just one scenario, but it is the most typical. i am not proud of it, but i can admit that i have been "the secret". now i was presented with the idea of being "the secret" under false pretense. he said that he didn't want his business all over the interwebs and that what was between us should stay that way (sounds familiar, huh?). those were solid and logical reasons to remain "the secret" and i probably would have stayed that way for a longer if it wasn't for his "other" secrets. you see i was one of many asked to remain anonymous in a relationship with said gentleman. so his concern was more about his spot being blown up, than a privacy thing. well he should have told that one chick to stop posting about the cheese eggs he made her after blowing her back out with his Jack Rabbit sex (do i sound bitter? i hope not).

so you would have thought i learned a valuable lesson about secrecy and how it's different from privacy. not so much because when it happened the next time the premise was based on privacy. in the era of "flying out/flying in", it is logical to let people close to you know where you are headed. well i had someone "fly in" and he informed me that NO ONE knew where he was. okay... i get it, you're grown and you do what you want. but what if i was a serial killer that had plans on skinning your body like an animal pelt? *crickets* his non response to my inquiry on led me to ask more about who knew that i existed.

"my co worker knows i have a friend here in Atlanta."
"so you just told a co-worker?"
"um yeah and my homeboy knows i am here. he doesn't know why though."
"oh okay."

i ended that conversation because i anticipated my feelings getting hurt and i wanted some peen. you all know that hurt feelings and sex do not go together. so when he went back home, i mustered up enough nerve to ask the question that had been bouncing around in my head.

"am i a secret?"
"am i a secret? do you keep me hidden from the people in your life?"
"not really."

not really... that means yes. that situation ended shortly after that conversation.

the idea of being a "secret" makes you question the genuineness of your interactions with that other party. you go back and forth, play all types of scenarios in your head, but that isn't going to change the situation. please don't get me wrong, i have had my share of "secrets". but those "secrets" were more about a shameful situations and not actually hiding the person. why in the world would you even want to be with someone that you had to hide? that is the question that people should ask when they find out they are "the secret".

no one has attempted to make me a "secret" since then mainly because i am not having that shit. the next dude is gonna have to stand at the top of Stone Mountain and scream my name repeatedly... to no one in particular but it would please me.
but seriously, if you can't be a part of their life publicly, then they are not allowed to be a part of your life AT ALL.

~again this was a blog for me. hopefully the word will speak to you too.~

07 December 2014

I'm so jealous

i am jealous.
i hate that about myself.
i cannot even believe i am admitting this in a public forum. ugh.
but i had a conversation about why people behave in a jealous manner. and i figured out why i may or may not act this way at times. let me tell you a story.

i dated a guy who had a lot of female friends and he was still friends with some of his ex girlfriends. at first i was not too comfortable with the thought, but i had a load of guy friends. and i am not in the business of asking people to get rid of friends that have been in their lives longer than i had. as our relationship progressed and he would have phone conversations with these women, i never felt any kind of way about the calls. he would talk to them late at night while i was sleep or he would answer calls in front of me, it didn't matter. lately i had to think about why it never bothered me and then i had an epiphany. i was very secure in our relationship. he made me number one and i never had to guess where i stood in his life. so what he did with other people really didn't matter.

and that brings me to the conversation that was had recently about jealousy and how its not cute. when jealousy makes its appearance in your relationship/situationship/arrangement, something has to change or it will end badly. the parties involved need to have some confidence in the position that they hold. if they don't know, then jealousy is bound to sneak in and wreck it for everybody. so now i have an idea of why i was jealous when i was jealous.
yeah i don't like that shit.
i am not interested in that shit.
*le sigh*
but what am I going to do about it.

*this blog was written for me, if y'all get something out of it ... good*