I'm so jealous

i am jealous.
i hate that about myself.
i cannot even believe i am admitting this in a public forum. ugh.
but i had a conversation about why people behave in a jealous manner. and i figured out why i may or may not act this way at times. let me tell you a story.

i dated a guy who had a lot of female friends and he was still friends with some of his ex girlfriends. at first i was not too comfortable with the thought, but i had a load of guy friends. and i am not in the business of asking people to get rid of friends that have been in their lives longer than i had. as our relationship progressed and he would have phone conversations with these women, i never felt any kind of way about the calls. he would talk to them late at night while i was sleep or he would answer calls in front of me, it didn't matter. lately i had to think about why it never bothered me and then i had an epiphany. i was very secure in our relationship. he made me number one and i never had to guess where i stood in his life. so what he did with other people really didn't matter.

and that brings me to the conversation that was had recently about jealousy and how its not cute. when jealousy makes its appearance in your relationship/situationship/arrangement, something has to change or it will end badly. the parties involved need to have some confidence in the position that they hold. if they don't know, then jealousy is bound to sneak in and wreck it for everybody. so now i have an idea of why i was jealous when i was jealous.
yeah i don't like that shit.
i am not interested in that shit.
*le sigh*
but what am I going to do about it.

*this blog was written for me, if y'all get something out of it ... good*