we are finally gonna hook up.......

"so what are you doing later?"
i had been waiting 6 years to hear him say that. his 6'6" frame was towering over me while his teeth were shining in the afternoon sun. it took me back to the first time i had seen him on TV. i had been following his basketball career since i was a junior in high school. now i am standing less than 2 inches away from this man i had been admiring from a distance.
"i'm going to the party with my girls"
"yeah i'm going too but i mean after that."
"ummmm i am not sure....."
wow!!! my mind was racing a mile a minute and i was trying to think of a way to answer the finest man that i had seen in my life.

my 1st weekend in college, he strolled by sweaty, golden and shirtless. after drooling and hyperventilating, i had to explain to my new friends that i had been lightweight stalking this man for abt 2 years. it became our collective goal for me to talk to this man at some point in my college career. well because God is funny, this man wound up in one of my classes. because he was on the basketball team and traveled a lot, he needed to play catch up in class. now guess whose notebook he wanted to borrow. *smile* after that we were cool and talked a lot, but i still just worshiped him from a far.

in my 4 yrs of college, dude had hit on every chick i knew and bedded more than a couple. so here i was after 6 years of lusting, "getting my turn at bat" (c) The Jeffersons theme.
so as he looked me up and down, licking his lips, asking me where i was going later.....
"ummm i am not sure. i am staying at (best friend's) apartment." *
"well you can call me on my cell if you know......"
i giggled. i stood there and giggled like a 10 yr old school girl. and i took the number because i wanted the number, but alas i never made the phone call. after all the things i told my friends i wanted to do to him, i was too chicken to even try. my friends still laugh at me about that event, especially because i refer to it as my most memorable college related moment.

*the proposal took place during a homecoming weekend after i had graduated from JMU

Figment of my imagination....

when i was younger, i was a studio rat. for those of you who don't know the term, it’s a person who hangs out in a music studio all the time. now guys reading this will interpret it differently because i'm a chick and not a musician, but just a fan of music. truth is, my friend was dating this rapper dude and she didn't have car but guess who did? because of these circumstances, i spent most of my days off and free moments in this studio. because i love music, i never really had a problem wasting my time in a dark, smoke filled, funky hot 900 sq ft room. of course the place was always filled with men, none of them too attractive. so one day while I was filing my nails and watching my friend make goo goo eyes with her narcoleptic boyfriend, i noticed a different face. it was not only a different face but a cute one too!!! i was introduced to Ali and the first thing i noticed was his smile. it was so pretty...but it didn't matter i was already in love with someone. of course that someone had no clue that i was in love with them, but that is and probably will be another story. so back to Ali....like i said he was cute and after being around him for hours at a time, i found he was a funny dude. even though i was attracted to him, a chicken like me would have never said a word to him. i mean he was a man of 28 and i was merely a child of 22. he was totally out of my mental league. so we joked around, yucked it up some and had good times. until one day i was pulled to the side.

Narcoleptic Rapper: you know my boy Ali is interested in you.
me: really? i had no idea.
Narcoleptic Rapper: he says he been trying to figure out if you feeling him.
me: tell him to come and talk to me.

those of you that know me can imagine the grin on my face as Ali came to talk to me. whatever he was going to offer, i was going to buy. to hell with the imaginary love with my friend, this was real live breathing warm blooded man. that day we exchanged info and decided to get together soon. well that day came sooner than i planned.

the next day i found myself riding in his truck with my friend and the narcoleptic rapper following me in my car (don't ask) on my way to his house. after a bottle of Alize and a card game, things got a little hot and heavy. as we lay in his bed, i knew what i wanted to do but i stopped him. i was honest with him about how much i wanted it, but i wanted it to be us in the house alone, minus company. he understood and so we lay in the bed. that is when he laid down his pimp game. you must remember he is a musician and he worked his music mojo on me.

Ali jumps out of the bed and walks over to his keyboard.
*strange look on my face*
Ali: do you have an irregular heartbeat?
*stranger look on my face* (he could hear that while laying next to me)
me: yes
*strange look still on my face*
Ali then programs a drum beat into his keyboard, not any drum beat but my heartbeat and he starts to play something on the spot.
*swoons*
i immediately needed him back in the bed to express what i was feeling at the moment.

Ali and i saw each other at the studio a lot, but he had some looming baby mama drama about to pop off. so we had conversation and he decided that there was no need to get me involved in his drama. he said he cared about me but he did not want to put me through all of his sh*t. (now as i am typing this out it sounds like a crock shit) so i was back to the imaginary love relationship and decided to take on a cut buddy. my studio visits were less frequent and i started to work more to keep my mind busy. one day one if my old producer buddies walked into my job.

old producer friend: have you spoken to Ali?
*strange look on my face*
me: no
old producer friend: you want me to call him?
*stranger look on my face*
me: he doesn't want to talk to me.
old producer friend: yes he does want to talk to you
*crazy look on my face*
next thing i know, we are on the phone having a conversation that takes me by surprise. Ali goes on and on about how much he misses me, he was sorry how things turned out, and that he loved me but the timing was just so jacked up. naturally my head is spinning and i am not sure what to say. but as soon as the convo started, it ended. 3 or 4 months passed before i heard from him again. he walked into my job and basically said the same thing AGAIN. he was very conscious of how bad he looked and that i looked so nice and that he missed me so. i was still confused and wanted to talk about us but alas that was the last time i saw Ali.......until i found him on MySpace 2 months ago.

now i have told this story in great detail with care, love and emotion. i have retold this story to all of my old and new girlfriends . i have shared this story with my current boyfriend. it is one of my romantic fairytales that did not end in total disaster. so when i found him on MySpace, i was anxious about what he would say and how he was doing. it took me a week before i contacted him and it took him about 4 days to respond to me. i sent a basic "this is BGDD. how you been, what you up to" message. his response: wow that was a long time ago.
*crickets*
i did not expect him to still be holding a flame, but i was hoping for more than what i got. but then i realized, i made it all up in my head. it was a relationship mirage. i am an intelligent woman, but at that moment i realized that men can't see what is in my head. so what i think is going on between us could not even be happening in his mind. he might think i am lightweight stalking him, and i may think that i am being assertive. after that message, i made no attempts to contact Ali again. i then decided to reevaluate all of my adult relationships to see at what point i started seeing mirages. dayum i am more delusional than i ever thought.

i remember times when people started avoiding me and dodging my calls: figment of my imagination moment. i had a brother block me on AIM: dayum mirage moment. and girlfriends don't help because most of the time they encourage the delusions in an effort not to hurt your feelings. ladies, please hurt my feelings. i don't want to be the girl that dudes refer to as the chick that is "hella cool but she has a few loose screws". please don't let that be me!!!

so do any guys that read my blog and i may have created a mirage out of our interaction, my bad. i never knew, so please forgive me.

The Worst Valentine's Day

for some years, i was a single lady when ValentiMes day came around. my friends and i dubbed ourselves the "the LOVE HATERs" courtesy of Andre 3000. it was easy for me to become a hater of love after dealing with Assholia "2 minute short short" Johnson. he gave me the absolute worst v-day in history. let me give you a little background on our situation.

i met him through a good guy friend with the idea that he was a good and decent dude. i was so very wrong!!! besides being a compulsive liar, an egomaniac and cheap; he had the audacity to be bad in bed (thus the nickname).
i actually dealt with him for about 14 months before he informed me that i was actually the side chick. with all that said, you can only imagine the V-day I had with him.

i think of myself as a really considerate and perceptive person. so when i buy a gift or give things to people, it is indicative of what i know about you. i like to get people things that they like and will truly enjoy. so "2 minute" liked cheesecake and strawberries were his favorite fruit. so of course its a no brainer, i'm broke so i make a strawberry cheesecake. along with a Mylar balloon, a single rose and a cutesy Snoopy card, i felt i had done well on a budget of zero. he wanted me to come over, so i prance in the door with all my gifts and he looked as if he had seen a ghost. now if i known that i was the side chick, i wouldn't have bought the $2.50 balloon and not risked arrest by stealing the card from Wally World. needless to say "2 minute" bought nothing for me. and i should have known better since he threw a tantrum when i asked him to buy me a $.99 cassette single. NINETY NINE CENT!!!??? REALLY!!??? anyway....in true cheap guy form he decided to treat me like the Salvation Army and give me some old clothes. *crickets* this ninja gave me his old clothes that he did not want. his roommate (his cousin) even gave him the side eye for that move. that was our 1st and last valenTIMES day together but definitely not the end of our misadventures. *smh at my own dayum self*