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21 February 2010

Figment of my imagination....

when i was younger, i was a studio rat. for those of you who don't know the term, it’s a person who hangs out in a music studio all the time. now guys reading this will interpret it differently because i'm a chick and not a musician, but just a fan of music. truth is, my friend was dating this rapper dude and she didn't have car but guess who did? because of these circumstances, i spent most of my days off and free moments in this studio. because i love music, i never really had a problem wasting my time in a dark, smoke filled, funky hot 900 sq ft room. of course the place was always filled with men, none of them too attractive. so one day while I was filing my nails and watching my friend make goo goo eyes with her narcoleptic boyfriend, i noticed a different face. it was not only a different face but a cute one too!!! i was introduced to Ali and the first thing i noticed was his smile. it was so pretty...but it didn't matter i was already in love with someone. of course that someone had no clue that i was in love with them, but that is and probably will be another story. so back to i said he was cute and after being around him for hours at a time, i found he was a funny dude. even though i was attracted to him, a chicken like me would have never said a word to him. i mean he was a man of 28 and i was merely a child of 22. he was totally out of my mental league. so we joked around, yucked it up some and had good times. until one day i was pulled to the side.

Narcoleptic Rapper: you know my boy Ali is interested in you.
me: really? i had no idea.
Narcoleptic Rapper: he says he been trying to figure out if you feeling him.
me: tell him to come and talk to me.

those of you that know me can imagine the grin on my face as Ali came to talk to me. whatever he was going to offer, i was going to buy. to hell with the imaginary love with my friend, this was real live breathing warm blooded man. that day we exchanged info and decided to get together soon. well that day came sooner than i planned.

the next day i found myself riding in his truck with my friend and the narcoleptic rapper following me in my car (don't ask) on my way to his house. after a bottle of Alize and a card game, things got a little hot and heavy. as we lay in his bed, i knew what i wanted to do but i stopped him. i was honest with him about how much i wanted it, but i wanted it to be us in the house alone, minus company. he understood and so we lay in the bed. that is when he laid down his pimp game. you must remember he is a musician and he worked his music mojo on me.

Ali jumps out of the bed and walks over to his keyboard.
*strange look on my face*
Ali: do you have an irregular heartbeat?
*stranger look on my face* (he could hear that while laying next to me)
me: yes
*strange look still on my face*
Ali then programs a drum beat into his keyboard, not any drum beat but my heartbeat and he starts to play something on the spot.
i immediately needed him back in the bed to express what i was feeling at the moment.

Ali and i saw each other at the studio a lot, but he had some looming baby mama drama about to pop off. so we had conversation and he decided that there was no need to get me involved in his drama. he said he cared about me but he did not want to put me through all of his sh*t. (now as i am typing this out it sounds like a crock shit) so i was back to the imaginary love relationship and decided to take on a cut buddy. my studio visits were less frequent and i started to work more to keep my mind busy. one day one if my old producer buddies walked into my job.

old producer friend: have you spoken to Ali?
*strange look on my face*
me: no
old producer friend: you want me to call him?
*stranger look on my face*
me: he doesn't want to talk to me.
old producer friend: yes he does want to talk to you
*crazy look on my face*
next thing i know, we are on the phone having a conversation that takes me by surprise. Ali goes on and on about how much he misses me, he was sorry how things turned out, and that he loved me but the timing was just so jacked up. naturally my head is spinning and i am not sure what to say. but as soon as the convo started, it ended. 3 or 4 months passed before i heard from him again. he walked into my job and basically said the same thing AGAIN. he was very conscious of how bad he looked and that i looked so nice and that he missed me so. i was still confused and wanted to talk about us but alas that was the last time i saw Ali.......until i found him on MySpace 2 months ago.

now i have told this story in great detail with care, love and emotion. i have retold this story to all of my old and new girlfriends . i have shared this story with my current boyfriend. it is one of my romantic fairytales that did not end in total disaster. so when i found him on MySpace, i was anxious about what he would say and how he was doing. it took me a week before i contacted him and it took him about 4 days to respond to me. i sent a basic "this is BGDD. how you been, what you up to" message. his response: wow that was a long time ago.
i did not expect him to still be holding a flame, but i was hoping for more than what i got. but then i realized, i made it all up in my head. it was a relationship mirage. i am an intelligent woman, but at that moment i realized that men can't see what is in my head. so what i think is going on between us could not even be happening in his mind. he might think i am lightweight stalking him, and i may think that i am being assertive. after that message, i made no attempts to contact Ali again. i then decided to reevaluate all of my adult relationships to see at what point i started seeing mirages. dayum i am more delusional than i ever thought.

i remember times when people started avoiding me and dodging my calls: figment of my imagination moment. i had a brother block me on AIM: dayum mirage moment. and girlfriends don't help because most of the time they encourage the delusions in an effort not to hurt your feelings. ladies, please hurt my feelings. i don't want to be the girl that dudes refer to as the chick that is "hella cool but she has a few loose screws". please don't let that be me!!!

so do any guys that read my blog and i may have created a mirage out of our interaction, my bad. i never knew, so please forgive me.


FireBrand said...

I just recently ended an "agreement" I had with a young lady because of her delusions. Seems like her friends helped fuel that.

I don't get it, really. I made it clear I was just leaving a marriage with a woman I have loved for damn near a decade and wasn't interested in a "relationship."

This nigga couldn't get that through her head. When I wanted to cut the physical part of it off and still be cool, she flipped.

Ended up having to cuss her out to get her to shut the hell up.

These delusions we allow ourselves to fall into are dangerous.

8thlight said...

I'm not sure how this is a figment of your imagination since you said he called your job and showed up at your job to express his feelings . . . or was that imagined?

I'm confused. :-/

Unknown said...

Girl. This was good and very enlightening. I think we all have had an imaginary relationship at some point.

DL White said...

See this is what's scary, to me. It always seems like you can take from a man's behavior and the things he says and get a feeling about him. How he acts dictates what he feels. If I a man acts like he likes me, says nice things, makes me feel special, he must like me.

But he doesn't. He's just playing, trying to get what he wants. I can't even take a man's words and actions at the most simplistic level, because it will most definitely turn into something I imagined, made up in my mind, tried to make the pieces fit together to mean something.

I stay not dating, because men confuse me. Dating makes me CRAZY because I can't tell if this man is nice to me because he likes me, nice to me because he wants something, or nice to me because he's a nice guy. And for me, it never ends up that he's nice to me because he likes me. That's always a figment of my imagination.

a black girl who did date said...

@8thlight The figment of my imagination was how he felt about me. Basically I thought we had something when we really had nothing - that was the delusion so to speak.

a black girl who did date said...

@FireBrand I always tell guys that women have been fed the Cinderella idea of relationships for so long that we believe we have super powers too. If you say that you only want a physical relationship, we have such powerful Va-jay-jay that you will change your mind and love us!! Its crazy but in lots of cases women think that way.

Black Yoda said...

I forgive you :-) :-)

"hella cool but she has a few loose screws" They're are plenty of people who fit that category. I would even go farther than that. It's more than just a few screws loose. It's like when you finish putting together a futon or a TV stand and you still have 3 or 4 critical pieces that never made it in. That's what some people are like. Just designed poorly from the very beginning :-)

Most guys know what they want. We're pretty good at letting you know too. We may not always articulate our wishes very well because...uh..well...that can be a very unpleasant conversation especially if you're dealing with someone who "has a few loose screws." :-) But, for the most part, we let you know. If we want to be with you, then you'll know in no uncertain terms. If you have to ask, then you already have your answer. I like his excuse though. He was trying to spare you all the baby mama drama. He's such a gentleman :-). For real though, even though that's B.S., he did you a favor by not bringing all his chaos into your life .

Anonymous said...

Yeah, delusions are powerful. I was delusional in my marriage until I got blindsided dayum! that hurt. But hey, whatever it takes to break the delusional spell is a godsend. Now, I'm not delusional; instead, I'm the opposite-cynical. My poor boytoy.