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02 August 2009

My 1st date: Why I started the blog

unlike most of my friends, i was a late bloomer. i didn’t have my 1st kiss until the age of 16. it was with a guy named C.T. he reminded me of Porky Pig with a gold tooth. i know it doesn’t sound too appealing, but i liked him. i had my 1st date a year later. it wasn’t a “real date” because it was prom and the guy that i originally planned to go with was on a ship in the Mediterranean Sea. so i ended up at prom with Adonis. he definitely lived up to the name, but i had known him since we were 8 yrs old and he was just the back up date. my 1st “real” date didn’t occur until I was in college. his name was Dee. just saying his name makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

the night of my date, i was a little excited but not nervous. at least i was telling myself I wasn’t nervous. my three lip gloss checks in the mirror would tell a different story. i wanted to look perfect for this evening and i was starting to obsess over my appearance. my jean skirt was pressed, i had shaved my legs, my nails were done, my eyebrows arched, lips shiny and i still felt off a smidgen. hell, i guess i was nervous. no, this wasn’t my first date, but it was my first date with Dee. i didn’t even know if it was really a date. Dee and i had known each other for about 3 years, introduced to each other by mutual friends. i recall very clearly the first night i met him.

i was hanging out with my “church friends”, chilling after choir rehearsal and this man walked in. he was a man to me, the 16 year old virgin who had just had her real first kiss. there he stood 5'11" all chocolate, brown eyed, perfect set of shiny bright teeth, with his high top in tact wearing a pink Polo sweater. he was a freshman at Hampton University and had decided to come home to catch up with his friends. i don’t think that i spoke the entire evening, i just gawked and lusted. i never got up the courage to approach him that night because i knew he was out of my league. i thought of him often after that night and didn’t see Dee for a year or so. then one day my friend mentioned that she saw him out.
“Girl, I saw Dee and he looked so fly.”
“My Dee?”
“He ain’t your Dee but it’s the only Dee we know.”
all of a sudden i felt really bold
“Can you get his number for me? I’m gonna call him.”
“And what are you gonna say?”
“I haven’t figured it out yet.”
i didn’t know what to say or where to start, but i knew i had to see Dee again. and because the world is small and ironic, i ran into him at the mall. i already had his number but never mustered up enough nerve to call. this time when i saw Dee, he was still fine but he had traded in his high top for locs and i was in love all over again.
“Hey girl! How have you been?”
“Been alright and you?”
“Good. It’s good to see you.”
then the strangest thing happened. he hugged me. oh my lord, i had just made physical contact with the man of my dreams!!!! in my head i was doing cartwheels across the mall, but i could not let him know that. we continued to talk for about 5 more minutes when i decided to make my move, or something like that.
“Well you know I work at the movie theater, so if you ever want to see a movie, call me.”
i hoped i didn’t sound too desperate? well in the end it didn’t matter because he asked for my number and he called me. fast forward to my living room.

so there i was pacing back and forth waiting for Dee to arrive. i was looking out the window and sitting down and looking out the window again. my frequent movement must have been bothering my mother because she yelled at me to “sit my ass down and wait.” i was running low on patience and getting scared. maybe on the drive over he decided that I wasn’t the one or maybe he just changed his mind. just as i was sinking into a depression of self doubt, i saw lights flash in the driveway. i attempted to dart to the front door, but my mother was playing defense that night.
“Sit your ass down. He is gonna come to this door and ask for you.”
“But Ma...”
“Be quiet and let me answer the door.”
it seemed like my mother was walking in slow motion toward the door. she proceeded to let Dee in and then ask him a series of questions. she asked about his family, school, his future plans and how we met each other. (that last question would get me in trouble later on in life.) she finally called out to me to tell me what i already knew; the man of my dreams was in the living room. i all but ran out of the house in anticipation of spending time with him. he opened the car door for me and we headed on our way to the movies.
i let him choose the movie (Jurassic Park) and we sat close and shared a soda. in my mind the biggest dream thus far in my life was taking place. my hands were sweaty, my heart was racing and i was pretty much speechless the majority of the time we were together. as the evening progressed, i began to anticipate the kiss that would close the night. but to my dismay, it never happened. i was constantly thinking, “Why is Dee interested in me? What could he possibly like about me?” maybe he could smell my lack of self confidence and that turned him off. even though we did not kiss, we did see each other again. as a matter of fact, he introduced me to his parents and sister. but alas i was never ever to pull the trigger when it came to Dee. i was too insecure, too naïve and had no real understanding of what it took to maintain a dating relationship.

i did so many things wrong in that situation, but no one ever told me what to do right. when i asked my mother about men, she was only concerned about me getting pregnant. the best advice she could give me was not to be dependent on a man. thanks Mom but that doesn’t have anything to do with me “dating”. i was lost when it came to the topic and i had to fend for myself for years. and those years were far from fun. i definitely didn’t want anybody else to go through what i did, so i started a blog called Black Girls Don’t Date: The reason Star Jones and Terry McMillan married gay men.


Anonymous said...

Preach!!! I had to fend off and find out what dating and men were really like via trial and error

I'm 25 now and 'get it' lol but it was a rocky experience, but it was some good moments here and there

and its not like the 'old school' anymore...people are really influenced by the music and ugh i just cant :/


Black Yoda said...

Wait a minute, have you've had some experiences with down low brothers (based on the name of your blog)? If so, I definitely want to hear about that. I was talking with my step sisters about this a while ago and they were genuinely ignorant about detecting it. I'm watching tv with them and seeing these base-less voice having, fingers splayed across the chest when speaking, So You Think You Can Dance auditioning, more make-up than you wearing, Tevin Campbell and Jesse Powell looking, faux hawk and skinny jeans rocking......need I go on? :-) I'm seeing these dudes 'straight' pulling the wool (or silk) over their eyes :-) Initially, I chalked this up to stupidity. But maybe there's more to it.

Your inexperience with guy at the movies is completely normal.

shatani said...

so, what is it that you realized you had done wrong in that situation, and what is the right thing to do?

a black girl who did date said...


I basically doubted myself and his interest in me. That dude and I went back and forth for 2 yrs. He was interested but my self esteem was so low that I could not "make" anything happen. I can't expect a guy to like me if I really don't like myself. I am much better at that now.

Curvy Jones said...

Thanks for this blog... it's like you're living in my brain! I, too, was a late bloomer (really late, on some fronts) and it's nice to see someone talk about these kinds of things that's not from a 'knowitall, lemme give you some advice, sister' perspective. I've recently been evaluating my decision about 2 yrs ago to stop dating and just focus on myself-- whether I still need to decidedly 'not date' or if I have some kind of deep seated issue that needs to be resolved. I'm just not sure what's going on, in my head. But thanks for spilling what's in yours!

bizarreville said...

A pretty good in depth analysis of what a normal girl goes through....

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