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07 September 2008

Pause

between my sophomore and senior years in college, i dated no one. it was partially due to having a toxic public relationship on a college campus where everybody knows everything and just because i needed a rest. it was not uncommon for me to pause between men. i had learned the hard way that jumping in too soon never turned out the way it was supposed to (or maybe it did). my friend called me a few weeks ago and told me about some mess she heard on TV. some girl was saying that the best way to get over a man was to get under another one. Eh..NO (c) Damon Wayans. that type of thinking only causes further problems and is a form of self abuse.

i had a friend that attempted that trick and cried during an entire sexual escapade. she of course did not let any of her girls know because we would have talked her out of it. needless to say she never did it again. but i have other friends who do something even worse. they actually start new relationships right after the other one ended. and 9 times out of 10 those relations end even worse than the previous one they were in.

it is a standard rule that you do not commit to the rebound guy/girl because what you feel is not real. i am not saying that the emotions are fake, but those are residuals from that ex that you are no longer with. after watching many a girlfriend violate this relationship law, i decided that it was an uncontrollable urge, like a disorder or disease. the name of this disorder is GOTTAMAN SYNDROME. the name came to be because some women just "got to have a man".

i have known women who have never spent a moment in the land of singledom since they began dating. now why would they do that? because they don't have an identity. let me explain.....

when you are single, a majority of your time is spent alone. yes you can hang with your friends and you may go on a few dates, but mostly you are by yourself. for me, that was lovely. i got to know about myself and take on new interests. when i was single, i went on to get an advanced degree; it was the perfect time. but for some people that alone time is the most dreadful thing ever.

some people don't know themselves, let alone like themselves enough to spend it with their self. so those people seek out another person to identify with or engulf themselves in someone else's world. it is all about avoiding that "me" time. if you have a girlfriend who never talks about her "me" time, it's because she doesn't like being alone with herself. these are the women who will more than likely get under another man to get over that other man. it is overall not a good look, but until that person is ready to deal with self, the vicious cycle will continue.

2 comments:

black yoda said...

That's some good insight and advice. I knew of a few guys who used to prey on newly single women. They were there for the rebound faster than Dennis Rodman.

For them, it was a perfect opportunity for a hit and run. They figure she's so mixed up emotionally that they could get what they want and put it on the tab of her ex. It's like seeing a wreck on the side of the road and coming over to crack the windshield with a baseball bat. You figure insurance (The ex.) will end up taking care of it anyway. It's a rather sad, vulture-like existence, but some are happy with that. :-(

NaturallyAlise said...

i had a period of my life when i was single-phobic and it was for the exact reason you stated : "because they don't have an identity", I had not a clue of who i was and was scared for some reason scared to find out, my idenity was who i was dating. i was a pitiful relationship chameleon, in hindsight it makes me nauseous knowing that was my existence.... and you know what, i ending up finding out that the real me was pretty dang on the shit, lol, scared for nothing...

great post!