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31 March 2009

On the road to abnormality......

at the tender age of 9, my mother and i had a conversation about sex. she did all the talking and i did all of the listening. the conversation went like this:
"if you mess around with a boy and get pregnant, you will be sent away to California and never see me again."
can you imagine the look on my 9 yr old face? i was scared to death! California had just become a Vietnamese POW camp. from that day on my greatest fear in life has been the miracle of birth. unlike my teenage counterparts, i waited to lose my virginity mostly because of my mother's damning message. so now that i am in my 30's, i still hear my mother's voice but now she is asking for grandkids. i do want children, but i told myself that i wanted to be married before i did that. i know you don't have to be married to have kids, but it is what i want for me and my future children. so when i heard the men on the radio say that a woman with no kids and not married in her mid to late 30's was abnormal, i was angry.

on my favorite morning show (The Bert Show), they have guys come in and answer the questions of women callers. the men are told to be honest because the women want the truth. i do not even recall what the young ladies question was but i do remember the answer.
"if she is around 30 and has no kids and never been married, that is cool. if she is closer to 39 and doesn't have kids and never been married, that sends up all kinds of red flags."
"she must be doing something wrong if no one wants to marry her."
"that is just abnormal, ya know?"
don't we women have enough to deal with? now you are telling me that i am on the way to being less appealing to men? i know that all men don't subscribe to this notion, but what type of message are we sending to young women. it's back to the "old maid" adage that has plagued women for centuries.
my mother was married at 19 and had me by 24. at 19 i was a sophomore in college and at 24, i was drinking and partying to my hearts content. nowhere in my equation could i squeeze in a kid or husband. times have changed greatly, but to put a 1950's philosophy on a 2009 woman is unrealistic and unfair. in my mind, i was being told that if i had no husband or children that i was not fulfilling my life's purpose.

my mother always stressed to me as a child that education comes first, so that meant a family had to wait. so now that i have a career and no husband or kids, should i feel like something is wrong with my life? if i am healthy and happy with my life, why would you look at me differently because i am unmarried and childless? it is unnecessary for you to project your views and prejudices on me. think about the stigma this concept places on women who cannot physically have children? i know women in that situation and it has always effected their security in relationships. what ever happened to getting to know people before you place them in a category? i always looked at men that were did not have a wife and kids as single. i get to miss out on the baby mama drama or the ex-wife stalker. so why are women with the same characteristics looked at in a negative light? i guess my window to nab a man and baby is closing quickly. men must not know that women over 32 get this message everyday from their mothers.

i have decided to disregard the conversation i heard on the radio and chock it up as fodder for the shallow and ignorant. i am going to get off my soapbox now and get back to my soon to be abnormal life. let me know what you think about this particular topic.


AssertiveWit said...

I think it's some bullshit...not your blog...that idea of having children and being married by a certain age.

I HATE how people force others into a box in an effort to make themselves comfortable...I will never understand why others deem it necessary to judge people based on these things. Could it be that maybe that 30+ woman doesn't even LIKE kids? Or maybe she's gotten proposal after proposal but didn't feel the need to accept because she knew that wasn't the man for her? And she's in the wrong because of this???

I know SO many women who should have NEVER had kids NOR gotten married but they did it to appease others and I think they need to be sat in a corner somewhere and told to reevaluate their thinking...not the women who are actually making the best decisions for THEMSELVES.

Ade said...

Well... Welcome to my world. Let's add to that equation - single, never been married, no kids, good job, have 2 degrees, own my car and my house and am not in financial peril. SO... I am clearly unmarriable.. HA!

Even a very popular book that is all the rage right now says that I won't get a man because he won't be able to see where he fits into my world because I have it all down.

This whole thing is a mess. I would think that a man would be happy to have no drama and no burdens but the men I have run into lately have definitely opted for the woman with kids, drama, and needs.

I want a man but don't NEED one and if that will keep me single the here's to the SINGLE life.

Ladies, don't let that lable get you twisted. Handle yours and enjoy yourself and if he can't hang then he ain't the one!


a black girl who did date said...

@ Ade
When I grow up, I want to be like you!!!!

MDUBB said...

I'd like to be married sometime in the next 5 to 10 years I reckon.

So by the time I'm 35 I'd like to have started a family, bought a house, started a business or two, etc.

I don't know how much age and all that matters to me in this regards, as long as those above requirements are shared between a woman and I, I'd think that would be all that matters. Maybe I'm in denial, I'm sure yall will let me know.

Black Yoda said...

It looks like I've stumbled onto a group of manless, successful ladies. Jackpot! I need to start taking names and numbers :-)

That's quite a conversation to have about sex at 9 years old. Still, the talk between the two of you could have been worse:

Anonymous said...

Its not really bs. I mean there is a certain age where women cant have kids. And i havent met any women that are wifey material that dont want kids cuz most men do at a certain age

suga said...

Funny, my mom had a similar talk with me, but instead of sending me away, she opted for taking me in front of the house and beating my ass in the middle of the street for everybody to see. Needless to say, I stayed a virgin for a LOOOOOONG time lol

The man who thinks that a successful, never married, childless woman in her 30s is abnormal...not the man for me.

I've read a few blogs written about women who focused on academics and career during their 20s and suddenly looked up and we manless/childless in their 30s...I've heard it so much that it sounds like it's becoming the norm