I love you ...

if you have been reading my blog for a minute, you know about the Man from God. for you newbies, he was a guy i went on one date with. and the reason for the one date was his need to express a grandiose amount of emotion on said first date.

him: i think the Lord sent you into my life and we were meant to be together.
me: ummmm *blinks*

yeah i did not walk, i sprinted as fast as i could away from that dude. now some women may find that attractive and feel special, but i am not that woman. thus i am writing this blog.

i hate my feelings. i have spent most of my life trying to control my feelings about people and in certain situations.  and i have done a pretty good job of mastering the art of being emotionless. but as of late, i have not been able to restrain my emotions as i have in the past. this has resulted in outbursts that have come from left field and anxiety attacks that i haven't had in years. i was told i hold on to things too long and that i need to get free of things before it kills me.and those people are very correct. so i am on a journey to do better, but this blog is not about getting therapy.

loving somebody is the scariest thing in the world to me, second only to having a kid (you can blame Judy for that phobia). i can count on a few fingers the times that i have loved someone. i'm not sure if that is good or bad, but the goal is to minimize the number of loves of my life. you see there is a lot of emotion that comes with the "L" word and as i previously stated i don't like feelings. hopefully that explains my fear a little bit better.

love is something that cannot be controlled. and i need to be able to control it. someone told me recently that you can't always control how you feel. i refuse to be defeated by this love thing though. i usually have my gangsta to rely on, but that punk has taken a vacay. he must have good benefits because it seems that he is on a leave of absence. maybe i am getting soft in my old age and my immune system is having a difficult time fighting off this love sickness. *mental note to buy Vitamin C, helps fight bacteria and viruses*

*le sigh*

i have given this long ass disclaimer to say, when i drop an "i love you" you better believe i mean it and it is nothing to be taken lightly. some people use those words to manipulate situations, to appease the people in their lives, to get some ass, money, J's or whatever. understand that beforehand, i hemmed and hawed over saying it or keeping it to myself. i talked to other people about it extensively. i even decided that it was best left unsaid until someone close told me otherwise.

"everybody can see it but you"

i can see it. i was just choosing to ignore it. but it kept calling me (c) Pookie
i'm convinced love is like crack and addiction is never good for you.